Strawberry Gashes

I’ve discovered two new bands/ singers for my listening pleasure. One is Jack off Jill. A friend of mine has been listening to them for a while, but I finally listened to one of there songs which is my entry title today, and fell in love with it! I intend to go out and grab there CD when I get paid again. I didn’t realise that they had been around for quite so long and gone through such a lot of band members! Oh the joy of Google and wikipedia!

The other is Rob Zombie. I was talking to a friend on MSN last night about Zombie movies and she asked if I had seen Rob Zombies latest one (I haven’t but intend to now!) and she mentioned his music, I didn’t even know he made music, so good old lime wire So I created a ‘off site backup for the recording company!! : P’ of his “Living Dead Girl” song and enjoyed that. She described it as “music which makes you want to strip!” and after I heard it, well I didn’t have the uncontrollably urge to rip all my clothes off but it is very sexy, easy to dance to music.

I went on an uploading music spree last night. Grabbed a bunch of CDs that I haven’t put on my I tunes and added some more songs to my Ipod. I now have 350 on there, and it’s still not full!! I really enjoy making play lists insert shameless ipod quote “I have a play list for everything I do”. And enjoy making creative names for them. Then I get a bit overenthusiastic about adding songs to them and then end up losing the theme I wanted to start in the first place. I was feeling rather Emo last night (see poem at bottom of entry for proof of this emo-ness) so made my self a depressing play list, titled it “Die with me” (after a song which is on there) and I was amazed how many self injury type songs I have on my ipod. It’s rather depressing and a little scary.... I added ‘strawberry gashes’ last night, along with ‘Bleed Like Me’ by Garbage, ‘Made of Scars’ by stone sour got added in there too, along with ‘Bruises’ by Majandra Delfino. It’s a good thing I have a “Happy” play list to counteract the depression that will probably result from listening to so many sad songs in a row.

I’ll keep with this music theme and add a random fact with another new song that my ipod now has on it, Marilyn Manson’s “You spin me round” I think it is a remix of an older song, because I’m SURE I’ve heard it before, and not by him. But it’s so catchy. I listened to it on the way to work and it’s been stuck in my head ever since… it is another one of those songs that makes you want to get up dance! Oh, yes random fact. Marilyn Manson was/is a close friend of the band members of JOJ – and was the person who suggest that they change there name from jack on (or it may have been IN) Jill, to what it is now!

Enough music stuff. I am so incredibly tired right now. And am typing this at work while I wait for lunch. I didn’t get to sleep until at least 2:30AM last night. I watched Wes Cravens “They” which was the Sunday night thriller on, which probably didn’t help. But I just couldn’t get comfy in bed. I was tossing and turning. I finally got up and went out into the lounge and played with my ipod a bit more (Andrew was still playing some game on the Xbox.

Half an hour to lunch. Yay. I need some food. Namely sugar to keep me awake.
Will do some actually work and add the poem and entry when I get home tonight

For you

You stand beautiful
in spite of pain
hurting, broken down
betrayed
i'll hug you till it melts away
you halo pale and fading
an angels soul failing
i will support you
while the world crumbles at your feet
you survived
emurge from the rubble
a lone flower
on a battlefield
soft beautiful still stands
in this time of pain

**scents**

Random bits of blog-ness i have been writing and haven't bothered to post

• went on a mini shopping spree last night before meeting andrew and imogen for drinks at the london bar
  (i didn't describe this in very sobor detail last night, so i thought i'd try again!!)
  went to Lush
  and brough some bubble bath things
  
  this one is called 'karma' it is my absoult favourite lush scent. i have the mosteriser at home and love getting the bath bombs and bubble bars! i really want the scent that they have but its very very expensive
  i brough a lovely new one that smells sweet like mashmallows and candy. i'm not usally into that type of fragrance but it just smelt so good
  
  i also went and brough coloured pencils from whitcoulls. the ones you put water on and they turn into watercolour like paintings. i love the smell of drawing pencils. actually a lot of creative tools of drawing i enjoy. paint (even when its going past its prime) pastles... i love the feel of them when using them to. but my favourite smell would probably be crayons... lol. its the kid in me!
  

• 4 tequila sunrises later. i'm back home
  the woman who served me at the bar was lurvely. she was from Liverpool ona 1 year working visa. i mean how great is that. i want one.... i want to see the world.
  men drive me up the wall. i need a good lesbian cuddle session please! *any voluenteers?!... anyone?!*

• Woke up late from a very strange dream!
  In my dream I woke up to 7 missed calls on my mobile, some was trying to call me and to get me to do a launch for something, but I couldn’t go as I had to get to work. I really wanted to go to this place (even though I have no idea what it was for!) I looked out the window of my apartment and the streets were flooded. Like water up to peoples waists. I ended up walking down the street with my mother and trying to phone work in the rain saying I didn’t know if I could make it because of the flooding and I had to walk to work because no buses were on the road because it was full of water. I was waiting at a crossing and saw a woman trying to cross the road with groceries in both hands, the water coming up to her neck! And in my weird dream notion I figured if I walked downhill towards the harbour then walked uphill to my work I would be able to make it. Then my mother fell off the side walk (which was suddenly very high off the ground) and into the water!! I gave my cell phone to someone before jumping into save her. I felt rather guilty about that part when I woke up.But dreams are very weird things. I did wake up to rain thou; I may have been hearing it in my sleep then dreaming about it??! I don’t know.

• just came back from the movies.
  saw Hot Fuzz
  it was fantastic
  go see it. now! now i tell you NOWWWWWWWWW!

these are brought to you in part by vanessa's other blog. and they are in no cohoerant order (am i ever) so enjoy.
xoxoxoxo
V

**Sucummed to the masses**

This has been going around so I thought I would do it. Ask me your questions and I'll post an entry with the answers!

Ask me a question about each of the following:

1. Friends

2. Family

3. Sex

4. Music

5. Drugs

6. Love

7. Religion

8. Miscellaneous

No matter how rude, sexual, or confidential.

Then post this in your journal and see what questions you get asked and i will update this with answers.

**A Poets Death**

Something i spat out this evening.
enjoy

Hate to say I've lost control
but thats the way the poets go.
With liquid death
a glass or two.
Reach for that cigarette,
Light her up! Suck him in!
“Cause cancer's too goddamn slow!”
Taste the tar, your crawling through
While lifting gaze towards the sky,
and all around you...silence rains.
Darkness in a full bloom bouquet,
destroy its petals one by one.
Whispered lies and a devils kiss.
A gentle blade across one's wrist
Hate to say I've lost control
but, thats the way all poets go.

**Memories and magazines**

 “…Just listen to the noises, Null and void instead of voices,
 before you tell yourself.  It's just a different scene.
Remember its just different from what you've seen”
“I'm looking at you through the glass , Don't know how much
time has passed, And all I know is that it feels like forever,
 But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home,
Sitting all alone inside your head ….”

A soft, tempting melody by Stone Sour. I’ve just recently started listening to the music after hearing the above song on a friends my space (oh the joys of my space) but it is amazing. It’s haunting and sad, and romantic and one of those songs you get all choked up and teary eyed over.

Songs are one of the strongest things to bring up memories for me. Id hears a hint of a song coming from a store radio and be transported back to a situation. It brings back feelings mostly, how I felt when listening to a song during a situation “Everything’s fine” by seether. Reminds me of being on a bus coming back from Union Street when I was going through stuff with K. used & hurt “Ruins” by Jester. I remember sitting in my doorway hearing my neighbour (who was in the band) play the song… and the haunting loneliness I felt at the time. “My Immortal” Evanescence – lying on my bed with Andrew the first time he stayed over. We had just come back from Sean’s 19^th birthday. It was dark. Quiet. And my fairy lights were twinkling above our heads. Magical. One of the happiest nights of my life.

It’s weird. I don’t have a good memory for actual events and details and things, my memories are terrible, which I can’t stand, but have been unable to do much about. I lack significant dates… once offs not recurring (like anniversaries and birthdays, those are fine) and just details. I read once that the human brain only takes in 10% of what is surrounding it. (Sight, sound, touch, etc) because if we felt, noticed, heard everything that was going on we would go mad. If I concentrate, I can feel certain things really intensely. Like the feel of my fingers touching the keys as I type. The sound of the air con, and silence merging in my ears with peoples voices.

Another lunchtime entry, as I don’t do crowds well in the café. I tend to sit alone (L how sad it that) and read the trashy magazines they have in there. Most of them are from late 2005 early 2006. I don’t dare by them myself. I don’t see the point most of the time. I hear too much about who married who, who shaved their head, who cheated on who… in the paper and *gasp* the news. I don’t need to read it voluntarily. Its gets pushed and pushed into us that these people are important and worthy of our time, attention and money. When 99% of the time, it is no the case. Same goes with fashion magazines…. I can’t stand them! That’s probably because I’m not a shopper I suppose. But I just can’t flick through a book which has nothing but clothes shoes and bags in it. I was at GJ with Andrew having coffee yesterday afternoon, and picked up a Lucky magazine sitting discarded on the table next to us. Opened it to a page devoted solely to ‘gold healed shoes’ I showed Andrew and asked “can you tell the difference between any of theses shoes?” he shook his head. Neither could I! I’m a shame to the female species I suppose. Don’t get me wrong I take pride in what I wear and things like that. I just don’t spend hours and hours at a time shopping and trying things on. It drives me crazy.

Anyway I just got an email from a workmate which reminds me that my lunch was over about 2 minutes ago! Back to work :) Hope everyone’s day has gone well

xoxoxo

**I can't say no to you**

its saturday night
and i'm at home.
obviously.
went out for dinner with my family. we picnic-ed in the domain.
i love my families picnics.
and it was nice to have some real food.
i miss my real food.
i realise i miss a lot of things lately. and it is sad that i feel that way.
its upsetting to know that there are things gone from ones life that used to make it better.
life is about change however.
so i understand things changing.
if everything stayed the same. that would be bad.
it just seems to me that thinks change for the worse, rather than for the better.
i miss you guys (vic, tiffy, immy, sean, sam, ray...)
i know your still here... but things are different.
and that makes me a sad panda.
i'm reading the black jewels trilogy at my boyfriends request.
it alluring, and sexy to say the least.
but somehow. not quite right for me.
like life really.
my nieche is undiscovered.
but i'm okay.
really i'm not okay