**santa the bearer of many things*

Christmas eve came and went which involved xmas lights, opening a pressie from the states, and spending time with family

christmas morning came with some terrible news unfortnitly. a friend's brother killed himself. a terrible thing to happen anytime of the year but so close to christmas. its just evil. and wrong. i can only imagine how him and his family are feeling right now, and i feel absoutly usless being 12-15 hours drive away from him right now :(

spend most of the day, opening pressies and eating. spending time with extended family.

now i'm chatting to online friends and typing blogs

take care all, and remember to tell your loved ones how much you care for them this time of year, bury the hatchets and forgive grudges, because you never know what you've got till its gone

Merry Christmas, Seasons Greatings, Happy Yule

X's and O's
Ness

*the Bells, the Bells**

I refer to jingle bells not poe's bells as it is of course the festive season.
i know that soon i will be indugling in far to much food, that only comes around the time of xmas.

Christmas is a bit different for me this year, for one, the house is not decorated. my flatmates are the 'quiet' kind and have no desire to make things look remotely cheering. i have placed a token gesture of putting up some 'fairy' lights in the lounge, but they are really for my birthday party which is happening this coming saturday.

I also will be spending the christmas eve with family, which i haven't done for the last two years, i miss the smell of pine wofting through the house, and baking smells coming from the kitchen. the excitment of children on xmas morning far to early for any human to be awake will probably not be there anymore as my youngest brother is almost 13, and if you haven't found out about 'santa' at 13 well i feel sorry for the 'issues you will no doubt' have when you are older.

it is still a magical time of year. people come together, people vounteer to help others less fortunite. you wonder why it can't happen all year round, and they only get together 1 day a year.

i sometimes feel like a bit of a traitor celebrating a day which some know to be 'jesus' birth. not being religous i find it slightly hypicritoal, but it has turned into such a commercial holiday that the whole 'meaning' of christmas is pretty much forgotten in society. it was this same feeling i felt at midnight last year on xmas eve. i sat in a beautiful small church in a even smaller town, the only person left in the pew while the others walked up for communion. i'm not catholic and felt so much like a liar if i got up, but then still felt like a traitor for staying seated. but i came to realise as i exited the church saw the stained glass windows watching from behind me and the stars in the sky, that it wasn't all about religon and what you believe it. its about the love, to believe in something, rather than nothing, even if that something is the togetherness of your family and friends on the day.

I also have a promise of a 'new friend' who claims he's going to play santa and visit me on xmas day. i find that rather sweet as i've just started seeing this person in a romantic sense and the idea that he finds me important and special enough to see on that day of the year gives me warm fuzzies inside

if i don't get to post before the 25th, i wish you all a very merry christmas and a safe and happy new year

X's and O's
Ness

**in the rainlight**

In the corner
on a discarded car seat
fabric torn and bruised
she sits hiding
in plain sight
while watching the show
so genuine
float featherlike
and sway mimicking flagsseductively swirling
under mirror ball squares
there stars on the ceiling,
fall to the ground
the music has died
replaced by rymathtic ringing
'tll do
secrets told to strangers
blame it on fire water
you only inhaled its perfume

The party. Sightly familiar faces filled the roomwe were greeted by strangers including hot red bull promo girls and noise control. I however only saw the energy drink givers. I danced on mismatched carpet to techno in front of these people I feel so in awe of and intimated by, at the same time. I left when the immy left as being alone there was more than my bravery could handle. Walked over the recently stained concrete to the light of the bus stop. Waited 17 minutes for a green booger bus to come through the darkness and collect me. It was raining by then. The headlights of passing cars lighting up the raindrops, and they looked like tears or diamonds falling from the sky. After entering and exiting the bus I passed the full to exploding bars and pubs along ponsonby road on my way home... as I walked down the street I felt this overwhelming surge of intimidation, and suffocating loneliness. It made it hurt to breath. Breathing shouldn't be a hard thing to do.

I've never liked my emotions getting out of control on me . So when I feel them coming on hard, strong and fast like they did in the middle of a dim street with raindrops dripping off the ends of my hair, its hard to handle. I don't know why I'm writing this, I don't know when exactly the feeling stopped. I know I got inside. And into my dark room, started writing and filled up a glass with leftover cider. But as for where this overwhelming, all consuming sense of abandonment came from and went.... I'm stumped..

**to vent**

i don't want comments. i just need to vent. and i can't vent on my other blog for reasons that'll remain name-less so... yeah... i'm okay


This Social leper
Has just become a statistic
Left alone
With her insides ripped out
Another in the heard
Called To the slaughter
Sucked dry
And tossed asideI’ve become a killer?
Guilt. Regrets. relief
In the same bowlone box self destruction….
for the empty girl..


They circle.
Female Ghosts
Lives emptyl
ike the prams they push
And stare.
“Oh if looks could kill”
but that would mean being as inhuman as you…

**not about to top myself, don't worry**

my attempt at flash fiction. i don't know if this style works for me... meh. enjoy.


broken. She stood at the edge. Bare toes with ebony painted nails moved through air. Teasing and taunting her to add more of the foot they were attached to. She was amazed at the power she possessed up here. The way her fear melted like ice on hot asphalt in the mid summer's heat.

'I have control. I can make or break your world. As you did mine. If I fall. It would be by your own hand. You would blame yourself for eternity. (As you should)'

You drove her to climb those stars. 32 stories. 10 stairs per story. Her bare feet stood on 320 stairs. On the way to her destiny. The place where she could see the city. And everything below she intended to great.

Why this building? Does it contain any significance in the choice that she made? Nothing that would make sense to you. Nothing made sense to her anymore either. Not after she walked into voices. Yours. And another's. Weaving together like oil and water. So loud in your thrusts you didn't hear the catch slip out of its sheath, and the door creek open. Revealing you, in all your adulterate glory. You didn't see her heart shatter into pieces. But the devil did. She smiled her evil vindictive grin, and pressed her claws deeper into your back. While starring at the shadow in the doorway with burning blue eyes.

The magic someone weaved into little white ovals had quietened her. As it was intended to do. It made her weak. Vulnerable. She embraced the numbness now. Ingested, soaked and savored the right to anonymity. He relinquished her right to rational thought. Thinking only of the pain she would be releasing when she left this world.

I am no longer a victim. I need not suffer in the world of the living to keep you safe. Keep you happy. Without your soul to worry about. I can embrace the bottle. Embrace the blade'
And soon she would embrace the nothingness which will be her grave.

**the Lake**

I haven't written for a while. and my life is pretty boring. so have a couple of paragraphs of a story i started a while ago.


The walls were painted a deep thunderstorm gray, separated occasionally by black and white photographs, and pencil sketches. A full length window looked out on a freshwater lake , the color similar to the confines in which she was captured. You could tell a lot about a person by looking at the environment in which the surrounded themselves with. The folded shirts lying slumberous in a deep oak dresser, showing order and control. Worn brushes in a jam jar, lying next to half painted canvass showed creativity and the ability to disappear into her own little world. Upon a ebony patchwork quilt lay the owner of this dark bed/art room. Lillie lay her feet on top of the wrought iron headboard, looking out through the glass to the Lake. It was surrounded by deep wooded fur trees their branches reaching towards the sky & moving in the cool autumn breeze like fingers waving to a loved one. She sighed, it had been too long since she had left this place. But each day she avoided venturing out to the real world more and more, so to speak except for the essentials, like more pots of gauche, or bottles (always plural never singular) of Jack Daniels. This was somewhere she hid. A place she would run to, when she wanted to rid herself of the world. Lillie would hibernate here and wait for inspiration to strike.

At 24 she was the youngest artist to find herself a niche in the Waterholm/ Hartford gallery. She was known for her dark, haunting photography and even more mind blowing paintings. The word revolutionist had been used to describe her by the “Art Annual” magazine, most pretentious but still, an unlocked doorway into to the elite art world. Lillie was unlike the other artists which words adorned the gallery walls. She slid away from fancy party's, award evenings and stayed indoors with her headphones, cat and sometimes her soul. Her face would grace the gallery rarely, and even then just to make sure the paintings had not been displayed front and center. Hanging them there was a way to make cash, for more canvas and film, it was the process of capturing a moment in time which thrilled her, what made her motor run, and what drove her to continue down this 'unkempt path.' Jarred (a now very ex boyfriend) had called her his “Leonardo Pollock” a talent of a great master, with a mindset of the reclusive alcoholic abstract expressionist.

well.... do tell me what you think?
X's and O's
Ness

**wine red**

the only thing constant about life is change
i have learnt that of late
as soon as you think something is here to stay.
and things are as perfect as you want them to be
change, afoot, in his heavy combat boots
stamps on anything, and everything.
i'm going through some change at the moment.
more than usual.
different that usual.
i need time.
i need friends
and most of all, i need 'change' to leave some things in my life intact
please.

Past and present in pose

Pretty Bullet (you)

Anticipation in the chamber
Fire at will
Hot metal
Spinning through air
Million miles a second
Make contact
Impact!!
Impression
Penetration
Internal destruction
But dear God
Shoot me again
Cause it feels good
Being wounded by such a
Pretty bullet.

latest poetic drop of word vomit i've added to the river already throughing through my mind. my blogs, and my little floral poetry book which has been covered with abstract black lines.
i wrote the below a little while ago. didn't feel like sharing then. i do now. because i don't feel this anymore i suppose. because it was such a tiny feeling, which i made into something so huge? i don't know... anyway... enjoy


People watching

Girl. In colours that could only be described as feminine. Clutching a present to her chest. The paper matched her pink shoes. A box. Containing a surprise for someone. You wonder if she wanted to keep it for herself, or is happy to hand it over to a friend. Its almost as big as she is.

Dog. Lying on the sidewalk. Blue lead being held loose by a café hoping owner. Sitting next to a familiar face. Work acquaintance. Smile. Nod. Keep on walking. Oh but how you wanted to pat the sleeping puppy

Sitting. Green bench. Wind whistling through deep burgundy hair. Mine. Watching a bartender open his bistro. Was he up to the early hours of the morning? Bartenders look the best in slim fit black shirts. Pushing out long wooden tables. Break on. Back inside. Is this what he grew up wanting to be?

Thin man. Large shades. Too much bling for a white guy. Your disappearing inside your baggy pants. Doesn’t recognize you. You know him thou. Wait. Cars. Walk. Now he sees you hiding in plain sight. Gay hug. that’s how he likes it. The same old man as before. You know him anywhere. Small talk. Fast walk. Alone again

Waiting.
People watching
Boys.
Men
Motorbikes

Looking for someone special. Is that him? No. Hope its not him. Don’t mind if its that guy. Yum. Four teens on an identical bench across the road. What are they waiting for?

Flowers. In plastic pots. Dripping. Living. Breathing once. Now dead and on display. Wrapped in cellophanes. Purchase me. I am the nicest. Scent. Wafts’ into your sinus as you walk past. In your doc Martians. Fabric matching blue orchids skims against the top.

Time? Look again. Internal dilemma. Should I stay or should I go? Nervous is nothing. Far advanced by 11:37. Combat pants. You know its him now. Traffic. Helmet in one hand. What are you waiting for? Meet the stranger. Do your thing. Exchange small talk.

2 pair of boots walking in unison. Keep up small feet. Can’t look. Blue eyes. Behind them? Innuendo and expectations. Your going to give it up to easily. Sexual attraction. Heart beat. You’ll hear it closer, later. For sure.

His eyes close when he smiles. Adds too much sugar to his coffee. He made him pay. This unnerves. “The table doesn’t have a table cloth” open mouth. Insert foot. Youngian. That is what you are. A young liar. With easy written on your chest.

A walk. He doesn’t decline. You open the door and let him in. It doesn’t take long. The two hour talk was the foreplay. Skin. On. Skin. Close the door. And let him in. coherent side is floating. Hitting the eggplant painted ceiling. Float. Fly. Leave. To quick. Escape. Your gone.

Clammy. Closed. Lie on rough sea of sheets. You did it again. Whore crosses your mind. As his hands cross your cheek. Will this be a meaningless fuck. Time will tell. “This isn’t me” whispered words into a sleeping ear. He hears. Its it true anymore though?

Eyes close.
People watch.
You‘ll never know them.
Until its over.

*Who are you**

I'm lost along a road i don't usually travel
i don't feel like myselfand i don't know if thats a good thing or a bad thing.to be honest i can't remember who 'Vanessa' is most of the time.

is it the person i was when i was with andrew. always trying to be exactly what i thought he wanted. not to close, not too distant. low manitance. not to clingy....

is it the person when i'm with my squiggle. silly. and giggly and drunk?

is it the person i am when i'm at work. trying to get everything done. perfect. and fucking up something so silly then stressing about it

is it the person i am when i am alone. in the middle of the night. awake in the dark. just starring at the celing.

is it the person i am when i'm meeting a guy for the first time and trying to be sauve and irasistlable...

i feel like i'm none of these things. like i'm hiding behind a mask. everywhere

i don't want to go to this fancy dress thing tomorrow. i don't want to see tim. i don't want to have lunch with this guy who asked me out online yesterday and called me this evening and spoke to me on the phone for two hours. i dont want to see my flatmates and make small talk. i don't want to be alone. yet i'm desprate for something...

i've lost who i am, and i don't remember what i was like to find myself again

**I don't need Love when i have drugs like you**

arugh!
its complicated. and by it's i mean life.
knee cake is tasty.

**give me life, give me pain & give me myself again**

much has changed
much has stayed the same.

i'm in a 7 bedroom flat in ponsonby now. its weird. and ironically somewhat lonely at times.

i feel numb somewhat.

and in limbo.
and i think i need it.
i do however not want this feeling to last forever.

ummm. yeah... life is meh

Me

nom nom nom. i has many corns. nom nom nom.

lol cats. go and have a look. you know you want to.

life is a bit of a knotted ball of string at the moment.

it has involved: drunken bowling, pink watermallon drinks, weird erotic dreams, many a expensive bus ride, 3 hour server outtages, packing, flat hunting, sleeping, amongst other things.

in the near future incudes : a trip to the library, moving flat stuff, more sleeping, more drinking, meeting new people, catching up with old people.

ummm in the far far future i hope it holds : travel, love, excitement, forgiveness, acceptance, and wisdom.

theres some dark circles and some dark holes popping up, and a lot of the time i feel like i've found my high school happy mask, and am wearing it 24/7. i still don't believe the shock of some things has actually hit me yet. i'm scared for when it does.

**False Memory**

finished the bell jar. it was good. sad though. but with a happy ending

am onto 'False Memory' by Dean Kootz - a good physocilogical thriller thing. sorta Stephen King like but better i reckon. - http://www.fantasticfiction.co.uk/images/n3/n15565.jpg (link to cover art as blogger won't let me post the pic :(

Annual leave all this week yay. some me time

am getting hair cut this afternoon.

changes are afoot :(

Marilyn Manson

is comming to NZ - Auckland town hall. october 07
That is all!

Mild altering poetry.

saturday evening was... well.
i'll let the poems speak for me shall i?

Untitled

How easy you become corrupted
by a pretty face
and well placed words.
Clay
putty in hands.
Twist. Mold and manipulate
to my image.
Did it work the same with her
is that where i learned
to weave
my spell.
Told you I'd find your magic wand

Chip on my tongue

hard.
A flat warm wooden bowl of sand
tasty
a hot roasted Christmas chicken
clear
a looking glass, how magical it is
crisp
a autumn leaf underfoot
salty
eternally dehydrated.
Crunch.
Deciding loud within eardrums

Untiled

present fuzz
white haze of nothingness
senses enhanced
tenfold
nothing matters at all
meaningless to the point of irony.
Word exchanged
musics played
hear it all
in silence (if at all possible)

**Opheliac**

Cliff notes of the weekend - I'm waiting for Immy to arrive and we are heading to the museum!
Friday night : Good bye drinks with Charles. found ab fab secret club/bar thing... can't tell you where it is, it is a secret :P but if you are nice (or buy me stripey stockings) i will take you there, and may even buy you a glass of lovely passion fruit wine. it is beautiful
Saturday : Shopping with Sam in the day. curse evil Lingerie sales. but i ended up getting 2 bras and three pairs of undies for less than $40- (one of the bras originally cost $34.95). evening was a charity screening for the film Serenity. Lovely, Amazing, fab (insert postive pro-noun here!) Loved seeing it.
Sunday : French toast, with banana and maple syrap. mmmm tasty.
Now i'm waiting to head to the museum...

X's & O's
Ness

Drenched in Blood & Turpentine

Friday evening consited of :
- Drinks with workmates - this involved, getting a ride to the Cock & Bull in New Market, Buying 3 - 4 vodka lemon and limes. Chatting with my old boss who had indulged in slightly too much wine, telling me i'm worth more than what i have in my job and in my relationship.
- taking the bus home then rushing out to the cinema and seeing Shrek 3... "The cat turned into a little horse that smells like feet. What's to get? " and the Dronkeys! (i want one SOOOOO bad) the night ended with dinner, and watching old reruns on TV

Saturday Involved
- Shopping @ Geoffs. The best place ever. A treasure cave. Ribbons, Sparkly jewels, Paintbrushes, and fabric Paint, in two shades of blue were brought. Also 5 meters of strapping for a (in the mind) post apololiptic costume for the other halfs larp
- Paper mach'eing a dinosour skeloton at Andrew's work. Also fun. Creative and it made me feel like i was back at school!!
- Back home. Arguing with Sean who was complaining that it was too cold to come out and dance
- Meetin Suntia and the other half's ex (joy) and head to the red & Black bar on high street. Slip into a comfy booth, warm due to the heater above our heads.
- Drinks were drunk, these included tequila shots, tequila sunrises, and more vodka lemon and lime.
- crazy, beauitful, and artist photos were taken with a dispoable camera.
- Meet Sean & Brad.
- mind altering susbstances were consumed. (nothing illegal i promise)
- Dance to house, R'n'B & Pop Music (too happy to care that these are the worst generas of music)
- 3 KGBs pass around the cirle of 5.
- Sean sandwich :P (with Ness & Brad Flavoured Bread)
- Walk (well dance) home at 3AM. twirl a bit. pole dance, with a no parking sign.
- Climb trees in the cold dark night.
- Listen to Infected mushroom. Good dancy music
- Slip into bed, next to a sleepy Panda
- great Midnight (well 3AM) sex

Sunday Contained :
- 2PM wake up call
- Fairy wings completed
- Pretty Pretty.
- Sparkle Sparkle!

**Trees & A Bell Jar**

I've been terribly naughty.
instead of leaving the credit i put onto my credit card on payday i went to www.ferrit.com (shameless plug there!) and brought more books. I'm in a bookie mood at the moment. i purchasedI've always wanted to read this book and i saw it was on special so i couldn't just leave it there could i. i didn't see the cover art of the one i purchased but i hope that its like the one above. its very pretty looking. I also brought a copy of "In the Shadow of Tree's" which is a book that was lent to my by the Immy and i absolutely adored it. so i brought a copy for myself. so i can show it off and share it around with people in my life who i think will enjoy it. i unfortunately could not find a cover picture, but here is a pretty picture of a silhouette in the shadow of tree's...

The weekend has been remarkably uneventful. i drugged my boyfriend up on Saturday with too many anti-histime pills and he was sleeping all day. i felt rather guilty after that. and i watched old videos that i've had forever in my cabinet. spent far too much time on bebo and my space. those places are evil and addictive. now I'm about to go out and buy sushi for lunch. mmmm sushi!!

x's and o's
Vanessa

**back from the country**

Interesting queens birthday it was. I went with my Partner and stayed at his parents new place up in the country the house was lovely. an interesting layout, and on about an acre of land, full with gardens and plants and things. i spent a lot of time cooking. because i enjoy cooking, and it kept me busy. I'm not good at the small talk thing. Don't get me wrong, Andrews family are nice (his mum is one of the most lovely woman I've ever met) I'm just not the best at social situations exspecially when Andrews run off into a room and is playing some shoot em' up game on the computer. but Andrew mum, step dad and i spent the morning playing monopoly, i kicked ass! (against the 'very vicious' monopoly player who is Andrews stepfather) and the game of life, (i won, got married, had no kids, didn't go to college, and still managed to retire at the millionaires estate and invent a new ice-cream flavour!) that's a nice thing about Andrews family place someone is always up for a board game. i played 5 rounds of hero quests over the Friday and Saturday nights we were there.

Andrew and i 'christened' the newly brought fold out couch *if you know what i mean...*

What i did notice a lot of was the quiet there. the sounds are different. i woke at 5am this morning to a heavy rainstorm, the drops falling and making music on the roof. We don't hear that in our apartment (because our roof is some-one's floor) we hear the wind really loudly here, whistling through the tall city buildings, but its not the same as the pitter patter of rain.
the dark. no city lights.

The view. absolutely amazing. they are quite high up on a hill type thing, and you could see down, and pass fields, into the distance and view a motorway and mountain/hill things. the gully's were full with fog both mornings, which made it look like a sea of cloud.

the sky was open and clear. and the stars. they all had there chance to shine, and twinkle. i miss that so much. you can see some stars in the city, but not like in the country.

and last but not least, what made me just stare at the sky in silence for about 15 minutes, the beautiful, just past full moon. it was hard to believe that it didn't make its own light. it was pure luck that we arrived just after it had become full, so it was huge, and bright hanging in the sky. Yellow glowing, and just awe inspiring. it humbles you, and makes you realise your insignificance in the world compared to things like that. the sky is definitely one of the most beautiful things in nature, ever changing. ever breathtaking...

it is nice to be home though, you can't walk around in your underwear at someone elses place (not that i would want to) you have to fit into their pattern and way of doing things, and (well, maybe this is just me) i just have a weird UN-easy feeling. its just not home. but it was nice to get away.

i checked my bank balance when i came back, not looking too good. the next 10 days is going to be hard for me money Wise. grrr. i should be making a decent amount of $$ (it looks like that on paper) but take off tax, student loan re-payments, food, bills, and there's almost nothing left. really depressing. i want to start saving to go overseas but i can't see that happening (the saving part...)for a least a year.

I am now going to thoroughly deserve a hot deep karma scented bubble bath (another thing, the country air makes me so tired....)

X's and O's
Nessa

p.s. happy birthday queen-ie

Delta of Venus

My book arrived today.
it was sitting in the mail box, in a plain white bubble wrap bag. the Cover is beautiful. I hadn't seen the cover when i brought it on line. so it was a pleasant surprise. i love the blue tone to it. I've only read the first story and half of the second but i love the way she writes. i didn't know much about Anais Nin when i brought the book, but reading her style of writing as well as the Preface and Prologue, makes me feel like i know a bit about her, while going blind and headfirst into the erotic tales written on the pages.
I've always been slightly interested in the whole idea of erotic writing. Not reading ,much however until i moved out. I hate the type which glorify things like rape, bestiality, incest, because well... personally i think all three of those topics do not deserve praise or glorfication. even in fiction writing. (to be honest I've never actually read anything which involves the theme of beastalty... and i don't intend to)
What i do enjoy about it is the poetry of it.
When a good erotic writer makes you forget about the real world, and fall into the image she/he creates on the pages.
one that actually turns you on is also an important part too.
but mainly the poetry of it all.
I've tried to write it once or twice.
it didn't go very well.
I've written a R rated poem or two. which is different than writing a fiction story. I suppose what i need to do, is take my poetic aspect of my writing, focus on the sex/ seduction side and just let it flow.
i think i need more outrageous sexual experiences...
not that I'm complaining with what I've got. ... :P
but i mean, sexual encounters in castles, and erotic goings on in exotic locations.
another excuse to travel... :P
Anyway I'm off to read some more.
I'm terrible when i get a new book i have to read the whole thing.
its like chocolate or cake.
i can't savor a tiny piece.
i end up eating it all.

X's and Os'
Vanessa

**all in all... life is random**

Traveling Mag #3 is sitting on my couch. wrapped. Stamped and waiting to get the a-ok to be sent out into the world
I booked tickets to POTC 3. saturday night. Mega screen. best (well as best as i could get) seats in the house
i ordered my 1st ever erotic novel online. recommened (in passing) by a Open Diary friend of mine.
i've tried writing erotica before, its never got very far. i've written a few R rated poems. but its not the same as a good old classy erotic story.
Randomness from my mind... below. enjoy. ignore. either. or. both

Eyelashes

i woke up to sunshine pouring on my face
who knew such an amount could sneak through the tiny gap in the curtains
if i half closed my eyes i could see all my eyelashes. big. like looking through a magnifie glass at a blade of grass it was really neat. they sort of sparkled. in that moment i held great apreciatation for my eyelashes. whom i don't really take much notice off, except to stab them with a mascara brush every so often. or curse when one excapes and gets into my eye

The kiwifruit on the windowsill,

I was walking to work yesterday and noticed sitting alone on a windowsill on the outside of a shop, a perfectly formed kiwifruit. it wasn't rotton, or eaten. it was just sitting. in the right hand corner below a window that said "Victorias Salon" I found it quite cool. it was just so random, and me being the Vanessa that i am, notice weird random things

Leaves on the Ground

I can't help but see them and kick them! jump and make them crack and break under my doc martains. its like the thrill of jumping in puddles i have! Autumn is the best time of year for this of course, exspecially on the route i walk from work to the supermarket to grab things for tea. But near the university theres a road that is lined with huge giant oak (i think they are oak i'm not sure) trees, the grow so high and streach across the road with there brances that it seems like a canopy covering the street, but they tend to loose there leaves all year round (or its just leaves from autumn that stay on the ground maybe) so if i'm in need of a leaf jumping fix in spring, i can always walk down that street :)

The Ivy Building

The Ivy building at the top of my street, i think i've mentioned it in a previous entry but i can notice the seasons change from looking at that building. its getting really bare. the Ivy is dying and falling away, going from top to bottom. there is hardly any green leaves left. I say above i like to jump in dead leaves, but it makes me sad in a way that they have to die and fall off the tree for me 2 do that. it just makes this building look so naked, and vunerable... while covered it oozes sexy-ness and mystery.

X's and O's
Vanessa

**Half Naked Spartans, Lamb Shanks & an Erotic Novel**

what a combonation

Finally went to see that movie.
on the Imax screen. so things were big. hello male skin pores!
it was a hell of a lot better than i thought it was going to be
the oracle at the start was abosoutly to die for.
and it needed more girl on girl kissing action
but yeah. no armor for the spartans 'i'm going to be man candy thanks very much!'
but all in all really good cinematography and shots and things.
i exspecially enjoyed the first slowed down battle scence
the stylizled blood was even too my liking
it was no sin city. but it was good.

work. 35 emails. in one day.
i hate being away
i'm losing the boss that is going to be replacing my current boss when she leaves on friday
is it something i said??
I'm really really sleepy and should be in bed.
but i wanted to write and say hello

donnie darko is now part of my DVD collection. Finally.
at a redicklous (sp) price though, it is INSANE what they sell CDs and DVDs for
$29.99. and that was the cheepest place i found it. i was almost going to buy it a couple of months ago for $39.99
i enquired about getting Emilie Autumn imported from the UK. $60.
i almost died.
then polietly said "thanks but no thanks"

picked up andrew and had beautiful pub food for tea
you gotta love old fashioned pub food
lamb shanks on mash
mmmmmm. tasty
went to borders to wait for our movie to start.
took two books from the erotica section, brought them with me to borders and read them while drinking my coffee. really wanted to leave a 'post secret' type note in the front saying. "i got turned on by..."chill" but didn't have a pen. oh well next time.
i hope an old lady sat down at our table and picked it up after me :)

**Dylan Moran**

follow the journey.

Just came back from his comedy show
It was fantastic
two hours of non stop laughter pretty much
kinda annoyed i paid $60 to sit on a plastic chair, while other people got fancy comfy red ones
Curse being in rows O-T
but all in all he was very funny
didn't have to say fuck every 5 seconds to make the audience crack a smile
heard some black book likes in there
"feel my brain falling away like a wet cake"
i watch too much TV.
but yeah.
if you didn't go you missed out on wicked Irishman!!
yay its friday :)

x's and o's
Vanessa

Duet under midnight sky

Duet under midnight sky (Guitar/Violin)

A song of heartache on a violin,
Heads turned towards the stars.
While Darkness doesn’t try to hide,
the Emotion ring around the flames.
Silhouettes sit pondering,
With Wanderlust in there eyes.
Together in body,
Some embraced, some across the warmth,
But each alone in spirit.
Wide minds far away with memories.
Soul windows are distant.
And few fill with salt flavoured rain.
A plucked guitar string slips into the melody,
As if to sat “you’re not on your own”
As this listen to this magical
Duet, under midnight sky

sunrises at midnight

I wasn't really looking forward to going out when i got home after grabbing my top, it was a beauty, gold and glitterly and reminded me of something that Anara wears on Fire Fly. But most of the people I invited and said that they were going to come... had canceled on me. Amie, Vic, Sam, Ray, and Sean. Sean was the reason i was going out in the first place. So i was feeling sad and loser-ish at 5:30 when i got the 5th of the reject texts.

i started freaking out cause andrew wasn't home at 6pm and we were suppose to be meeting people at like 6 at this bar called spudnix don't ask me about the name i wouldn't have a clue. finally got ready and headed out there. i had never been to this bar/pub before. it was odd. not really a bar that i'd usually hang out in. half a dozen pool tables. and where all my friends (from my old work) were sitting, the table was a surf board. yes a surf board. why? i don't know! its not like it was a surf-ie place or anything. it was a bar with pokie machines, and really ugly furniture. but the drinks were strong and the company good. Andrew was in a mood so he sat on the arm of a a really low black couch next to me sullen and sulky. i drunk and talked to Clarissa about life and music and work and spookers and how Stonned Tiffany was, that she came and went in about 10 minutes.

Played a game of pool with my old work mates, joinne, miti, clarissa and i. doubles. miti and i won by defult. i was the bad pool-er comic relif for the game. but my first shot was rather impressive. completly unintentionly i made the white ball jump, and it banged against a ball which went shooting off into a corner pocket. it was too bad it was a ball from the other team .

At about 8pm we left and headed over to the London bar, which is Andrew and i's usual watering hole, sat down to the sound of quiet jazz (not live as yet) and grabbed a drink each plus some beautiful tasting wedges. Andrew Cousin Melissa who i've never met before (she had just moved up from some little hick town at the bottom of the north Island) and her boyfriend joined us. Now i reconised the boyfriend. but couldn't place it. kept starring and was like "i know you from somewhere" turns out he went to my high school. a year above me. Knows Sunita (another one of my friends who was supposed to be comming to join us at about 10) the only real reason i remember him was because he was in a relationship with this girl from almost all of high school that i noticed him for. you know how theres a "couple" in every one of your years. well he was it in the year above me. but he seemed nice. hes a entomougist (i know i spelt that wrong!!) studying bugs at uni. Grissoms job from CSI. Melissa didn't seem anything like andrew describe. just phyically. she looked like one of thoses "i'm a bottle blond above you!" type people you abhore in high school. but she was a lovely lovely person. guess that teaches me to judge by looks.

Drinks were flowing. i stuck to my good old safe tequila sunrises. and ended up having about 6 or 7 of the leathal things over the course of the evening. the girl at the bar was from Liverpool on her OE over here, and made them nice and strong (once i told her how to make em!!) i ended up tipsy rather quickly. but it was nice tipsy. not want to go and dance and kiss everyone and make an idiot of myself, but just calm. open and slightly overtalkitive tipsy. my head is feeling it now though. not enough water. anyway we ended up sitting at the same table just talking for over 4 hours. it was good. nice to just talk and hang and chat. they have the same intrest in british comedy as andrew (and to a lesser extent me) and firefly. anyone who knows and enjoys flyfire goes up a step in the respect ladder for me.

pumpkin hour came and went and got a couple of texts from clarrissa (who was across the road still) and sunita. in my drunkness i replyed so the spelling is worse than normal!! both of them were supposed to show up over where we were, but they didn't but thats okay. We ended up leaving at about one, after the live jazz band had left an a silence in the bar. there music was loud. good. and very very jazzy. walked along the road, got given the evils by a pack of drunk and 12 year old looking emo goths. i hate it when they mix the lables. goth is goth. its victorian, frills, lace, dark, haunting. emo is emo. enough said. got delish chilli chips and cheese from wendys to take away. and flopped on our worn and comfy apartment couch to watch and eposide of fire fly.

it was a lovely night. one fo the best i had in a while.
i'm going to find my self some asprin, and some food, then go back to bed.

**fog**

I got off the bus this morning, and started walking down the hill towards my work, looking up I saw a wall of white just behind the market at the bottom of the hill, I could see any of the buildings, houses or the churches through the fog blanket. It was neat, haven’t seen a good fog for ages. I love idea of it, how it can hide things in plain sight, give the air a dampness which for some reason reminds me of swamps and old bookstores. I hear about the ‘mists on English moors’ from novels and films and would love to see if they are impressive as they make them out to bed.

Spent most of this morning till about 12:45 doing fire warden training. My boss isn’t here today and she was supposed to go on it. So I got to be the replacement. It was really interesting just to learn a little bit more about fire exstinshures and stuff like that. Bit scary too. We watched a DVD about a fire that broke out at a football club in England in March 1985. 5 minutes it took for an old modern grandstand to be engulfed in flames. 54 people died. Terrible. Made me a bit more aware about a few things too. Though however, because I lost half the day I’m behind in my work. I know it’s Friday and things can wait until Monday. I feel bad that I haven’t got anything done.

My lunch really isn’t agreeing with me at all today. I’ve had a light stomach ache all day. But now after eating lunch it’s really gotten worse. That’ll teach me for eating fish pie again I suppose. I guess it doesn’t help that I’m sitting at my desk drinking diet coke and snacking on Eskimo lollies, which are in my desk draw and they are soooooooo good!.... I have three standing on my desk, nothing but their legs left. One in each colour, trying to decide which flavour I like best…. At the moment I’m leaning towards the yellow flavoured ones, (cause they taste like those banana lollies of the same texture) but they red is coming a close second. See what happens when I’m left to my own devices (my boss is away ill, and her boss is in a day long meeting…) but yeah today is dragging and I’m just so tired and unmotivated this afternoon, I really hate losing half my day; I’m one of those people who are not a huge fan of change. So I guess that explains it.

Supposed to be going out tonight. No idea what to wear. Really not feeling excited about it right this second, hopefully once I finish work (in two hours… this day is just dragging on something terrible) I will change my mind. Might go out and treat myself to a new top. Can’t really afford it, but hey, who needs to eat right?

Oh and happy international star wars day… “May the 4th be with you!!” ha-ha. Terrible I know but I couldn’t help it. (Please don’t confuse this with other international days like ‘talk like a pirate day’ and international coffee day, as my friend did when I emailed her just now)

I started with the weather so I suppose it is fitting to end with it also. It has shaped up rather nice. The sun is out in force, it’s hot and warm. Am really looking forward to going home in it! Bring on 4pm

**in the dreaming**

It was like watching a film, in sepia at first... Out from a vehicle of unknown type came a group of men and woman. They varied in age from the late teens to all the way up to gray haired days. Walking across a dirt road and towards a set of wooden stairs that was the doorway to the bush. Poetry books were handed to a few of the empty handed people, worn, underground copies. Some were handwritten as the outlawing of poetry had meant most published works had been removed from society. Indulging in poetry and Literature was the groups reason for meeting in the dimming twilight under a starless sky. To temp and tease the mind with forbidden flowing words and written scenes. Silently they began to walk. Down the stained steps and into the boding woods.

A male in his 30s was the head of the single file. Chalk in one hand, a torch in the other. Behind him was another middle aged man with a rifle on his back. This is what it took to enjoy what you loved... He got slightly ahead of the group, turning off the path This was where the surrounding foliage started to get thicker. Dense. Darker. He marked a tall punga with a white symbol, and headed around the tree. The land slopped and the group (somewhat spread out by now), began to wander downwards. One stopped by the edge of the hill, and starred. Vast and lush bush, but with a hint of decay was below. It stretched on for miles, though in this light (or lack theirof) the eyes couldn't see that far.

A flat patch of earth , less trees, and a natural central walk way past half a dozen large rocks, was come across by our excursionists. Look closer my dear. Not rocks. Gravestones. Some appeared new, as if they hadn't aged a day. While others were merely piles of stones acting and a reminder that this was a souls resting place. A large dark ethnic stone, with blood red korus scarred into its service Stood apart from the rest, against the black. It was breathtaking, Maori words covered it surface with grief and grace...The air was cooler here. Thicker. Fill with something else. They all could feel it. Knowledge that there was more here, more than the 6 grave markers claimed there be. Long flowing Feminine skirts brushed pass stone “Blessed be” and whispers of thanks, with estrogen aftertastes, warmed the night breeze.

The man with the chalk is no longer at the front now, they all know which way to go . Well they should, two men head left down a stone staircase that appears suddenly, as if it knew they were coming and wanted to surprise them by materialising from the hillside. “your not supposed to go that way” they called. The voices were ignored. The rest head down to the right hand side. Deep down, underground like entering inside the chest of the earth/ The walls are Damp and made entirely of unpolished raw granite . Pictures, carvings or sorts cover the walls, the details hidden in the ebonyness. By unspoken agreement, the group splits into two. Males towards the left and down a long straight passage. Five females continue on, to the right of the passages fork. A slight incline, turn an unfamiliar corner... And something happens....

stay tuned for the next exciting episode.

**Emo Parties**

Emo Party

a room with smoke
flashing lights
a black ballon or two
emo music
and strangers
i know there faces.
know there names
and I know there place
in the high school hirachy
feels like i haven't aged a day
but it was 4 years ago
since i saw these faces.
eyeliner. stripes. badges
a theme hides oneself
tequila shots lined up along the bar
liquid death played its part too
birthday girl
i love her to pieces
but the surrounding faces
neither know me.
nor care

**Cutting Caleb Keys**

I've just came back from the book launch. it was interesting.
It inspired me to want to write.
To suceed.
To have goals and follow them.
He read part of his book and i want to know more. i couldn't afford to buy a copy :( but will do as soon as i can!).
Lots and lots of bottles of wine. everywhere.
And people in there late 20's and early 30's trying to outdo each other in coversation about who knows who, and what they do for a living.
Andrews workmate, who single, doesn't get out much and is currently writing a romance novel about a linedancing policemen, was on her 5th glass of red when we left. she was a lovely sweet tipsy thing. it was interesting.
i like to watch at thoses type of parties, because i KNOw i don't fit in. and i don't mind. i just drunk a glass of wine, patted a jack russel that was running around and starred at all the beautiful sucessful people in the yard, hoping that i'll be like them (in part) in a few years to come.
i'm going to polietly decline the invitation for clubbing to night and hopefully curl up in bed with my boyfriend and a dvd.
night all.
you are all lovely, beautiful, amazing human beings :)
sweet dreams

**Karma Scented**

Karma Scented

candle flickers
air aromatic
lit with karma scent
body empty
sinking in
murging with the warmth
going under (thats okay)
float away (thats okay)
depart
dripping,
droplets run down
past a purple butterfly
bare back turned towards the mirror
deny insecurities
while soft cotton covers
vunerbility
and she returns
to the reality
with her karma scented skin.

yeah... nothing much else really.
Pans Labryinth is the shit :) go see it. NOW!
its in spanish. sexiest language ever.... :P

**oh what i miss**

it is now sunday morning, so ignore the title.
went to a party up in helensville, was invited by Amie a friend of mine (whos is actually my brothers ex. but we won't hold that against her!!)
the place was lovely. out in the wopp wopps
you could see all the stars in the sky. so beautiful. i miss looking up and see them everywhere and just looking and starring
fog, slowly advancing like a animal stalking pray, over rolling hills
it hid the line of street lights far away. one by one.
drinking punch. mmmm. punch... tipsy punch
i felt old.
i realised how pussywipped my brother is around his girlfriend.
i danced.
and fed a labrodor called Taz chippies.
met some more of Amie's friends. Amies friends are nice *but amie is the bestest :P*
I miss having friends like that. close friends. that you know will be there.
i felt like a bad friend thou. i got a call at about 2:30 from my friend who lives near my place in the city. huge boyfriend dramas. she was inconsoulable. and my cellphone coverage kept cutting out. i felt so bad for being away when someone needed me. cause i've never been the one that people call on when they need support. i'm always the last to know.
there was a fatgray tiger cat in a box. all night. he just sat in the box. go cat!
more drinking.
some boobs were flashed (not mine)
and a car almost hit a fence.
oh how different parties are out in the country.
there was another cat with a mouse. i think he also chased a cricket and bug.
single bed sleeping for two. not the most confertable thing in the world.
i woke up to rain on the roof this morning
that is one of the best sounds in the world.
i miss that too - living in an apartment where my roof is someones floor.
i miss a lot.
but i have a lot to be thankfor for as well.

Strawberry Gashes

I’ve discovered two new bands/ singers for my listening pleasure. One is Jack off Jill. A friend of mine has been listening to them for a while, but I finally listened to one of there songs which is my entry title today, and fell in love with it! I intend to go out and grab there CD when I get paid again. I didn’t realise that they had been around for quite so long and gone through such a lot of band members! Oh the joy of Google and wikipedia!

The other is Rob Zombie. I was talking to a friend on MSN last night about Zombie movies and she asked if I had seen Rob Zombies latest one (I haven’t but intend to now!) and she mentioned his music, I didn’t even know he made music, so good old lime wire So I created a ‘off site backup for the recording company!! : P’ of his “Living Dead Girl” song and enjoyed that. She described it as “music which makes you want to strip!” and after I heard it, well I didn’t have the uncontrollably urge to rip all my clothes off but it is very sexy, easy to dance to music.

I went on an uploading music spree last night. Grabbed a bunch of CDs that I haven’t put on my I tunes and added some more songs to my Ipod. I now have 350 on there, and it’s still not full!! I really enjoy making play lists insert shameless ipod quote “I have a play list for everything I do”. And enjoy making creative names for them. Then I get a bit overenthusiastic about adding songs to them and then end up losing the theme I wanted to start in the first place. I was feeling rather Emo last night (see poem at bottom of entry for proof of this emo-ness) so made my self a depressing play list, titled it “Die with me” (after a song which is on there) and I was amazed how many self injury type songs I have on my ipod. It’s rather depressing and a little scary.... I added ‘strawberry gashes’ last night, along with ‘Bleed Like Me’ by Garbage, ‘Made of Scars’ by stone sour got added in there too, along with ‘Bruises’ by Majandra Delfino. It’s a good thing I have a “Happy” play list to counteract the depression that will probably result from listening to so many sad songs in a row.

I’ll keep with this music theme and add a random fact with another new song that my ipod now has on it, Marilyn Manson’s “You spin me round” I think it is a remix of an older song, because I’m SURE I’ve heard it before, and not by him. But it’s so catchy. I listened to it on the way to work and it’s been stuck in my head ever since… it is another one of those songs that makes you want to get up dance! Oh, yes random fact. Marilyn Manson was/is a close friend of the band members of JOJ – and was the person who suggest that they change there name from jack on (or it may have been IN) Jill, to what it is now!

Enough music stuff. I am so incredibly tired right now. And am typing this at work while I wait for lunch. I didn’t get to sleep until at least 2:30AM last night. I watched Wes Cravens “They” which was the Sunday night thriller on, which probably didn’t help. But I just couldn’t get comfy in bed. I was tossing and turning. I finally got up and went out into the lounge and played with my ipod a bit more (Andrew was still playing some game on the Xbox.

Half an hour to lunch. Yay. I need some food. Namely sugar to keep me awake.
Will do some actually work and add the poem and entry when I get home tonight

For you

You stand beautiful
in spite of pain
hurting, broken down
betrayed
i'll hug you till it melts away
you halo pale and fading
an angels soul failing
i will support you
while the world crumbles at your feet
you survived
emurge from the rubble
a lone flower
on a battlefield
soft beautiful still stands
in this time of pain

**scents**

Random bits of blog-ness i have been writing and haven't bothered to post

• went on a mini shopping spree last night before meeting andrew and imogen for drinks at the london bar
  (i didn't describe this in very sobor detail last night, so i thought i'd try again!!)
  went to Lush
  and brough some bubble bath things
  
  this one is called 'karma' it is my absoult favourite lush scent. i have the mosteriser at home and love getting the bath bombs and bubble bars! i really want the scent that they have but its very very expensive
  i brough a lovely new one that smells sweet like mashmallows and candy. i'm not usally into that type of fragrance but it just smelt so good
  
  i also went and brough coloured pencils from whitcoulls. the ones you put water on and they turn into watercolour like paintings. i love the smell of drawing pencils. actually a lot of creative tools of drawing i enjoy. paint (even when its going past its prime) pastles... i love the feel of them when using them to. but my favourite smell would probably be crayons... lol. its the kid in me!
  

• 4 tequila sunrises later. i'm back home
  the woman who served me at the bar was lurvely. she was from Liverpool ona 1 year working visa. i mean how great is that. i want one.... i want to see the world.
  men drive me up the wall. i need a good lesbian cuddle session please! *any voluenteers?!... anyone?!*

• Woke up late from a very strange dream!
  In my dream I woke up to 7 missed calls on my mobile, some was trying to call me and to get me to do a launch for something, but I couldn’t go as I had to get to work. I really wanted to go to this place (even though I have no idea what it was for!) I looked out the window of my apartment and the streets were flooded. Like water up to peoples waists. I ended up walking down the street with my mother and trying to phone work in the rain saying I didn’t know if I could make it because of the flooding and I had to walk to work because no buses were on the road because it was full of water. I was waiting at a crossing and saw a woman trying to cross the road with groceries in both hands, the water coming up to her neck! And in my weird dream notion I figured if I walked downhill towards the harbour then walked uphill to my work I would be able to make it. Then my mother fell off the side walk (which was suddenly very high off the ground) and into the water!! I gave my cell phone to someone before jumping into save her. I felt rather guilty about that part when I woke up.But dreams are very weird things. I did wake up to rain thou; I may have been hearing it in my sleep then dreaming about it??! I don’t know.

• just came back from the movies.
  saw Hot Fuzz
  it was fantastic
  go see it. now! now i tell you NOWWWWWWWWW!

these are brought to you in part by vanessa's other blog. and they are in no cohoerant order (am i ever) so enjoy.
xoxoxoxo
V

**Sucummed to the masses**

This has been going around so I thought I would do it. Ask me your questions and I'll post an entry with the answers!

Ask me a question about each of the following:

1. Friends

2. Family

3. Sex

4. Music

5. Drugs

6. Love

7. Religion

8. Miscellaneous

No matter how rude, sexual, or confidential.

Then post this in your journal and see what questions you get asked and i will update this with answers.

**A Poets Death**

Something i spat out this evening.
enjoy

Hate to say I've lost control
but thats the way the poets go.
With liquid death
a glass or two.
Reach for that cigarette,
Light her up! Suck him in!
“Cause cancer's too goddamn slow!”
Taste the tar, your crawling through
While lifting gaze towards the sky,
and all around you...silence rains.
Darkness in a full bloom bouquet,
destroy its petals one by one.
Whispered lies and a devils kiss.
A gentle blade across one's wrist
Hate to say I've lost control
but, thats the way all poets go.

**Memories and magazines**

 “…Just listen to the noises, Null and void instead of voices,
 before you tell yourself.  It's just a different scene.
Remember its just different from what you've seen”
“I'm looking at you through the glass , Don't know how much
time has passed, And all I know is that it feels like forever,
 But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home,
Sitting all alone inside your head ….”

A soft, tempting melody by Stone Sour. I’ve just recently started listening to the music after hearing the above song on a friends my space (oh the joys of my space) but it is amazing. It’s haunting and sad, and romantic and one of those songs you get all choked up and teary eyed over.

Songs are one of the strongest things to bring up memories for me. Id hears a hint of a song coming from a store radio and be transported back to a situation. It brings back feelings mostly, how I felt when listening to a song during a situation “Everything’s fine” by seether. Reminds me of being on a bus coming back from Union Street when I was going through stuff with K. used & hurt “Ruins” by Jester. I remember sitting in my doorway hearing my neighbour (who was in the band) play the song… and the haunting loneliness I felt at the time. “My Immortal” Evanescence – lying on my bed with Andrew the first time he stayed over. We had just come back from Sean’s 19^th birthday. It was dark. Quiet. And my fairy lights were twinkling above our heads. Magical. One of the happiest nights of my life.

It’s weird. I don’t have a good memory for actual events and details and things, my memories are terrible, which I can’t stand, but have been unable to do much about. I lack significant dates… once offs not recurring (like anniversaries and birthdays, those are fine) and just details. I read once that the human brain only takes in 10% of what is surrounding it. (Sight, sound, touch, etc) because if we felt, noticed, heard everything that was going on we would go mad. If I concentrate, I can feel certain things really intensely. Like the feel of my fingers touching the keys as I type. The sound of the air con, and silence merging in my ears with peoples voices.

Another lunchtime entry, as I don’t do crowds well in the café. I tend to sit alone (L how sad it that) and read the trashy magazines they have in there. Most of them are from late 2005 early 2006. I don’t dare by them myself. I don’t see the point most of the time. I hear too much about who married who, who shaved their head, who cheated on who… in the paper and *gasp* the news. I don’t need to read it voluntarily. Its gets pushed and pushed into us that these people are important and worthy of our time, attention and money. When 99% of the time, it is no the case. Same goes with fashion magazines…. I can’t stand them! That’s probably because I’m not a shopper I suppose. But I just can’t flick through a book which has nothing but clothes shoes and bags in it. I was at GJ with Andrew having coffee yesterday afternoon, and picked up a Lucky magazine sitting discarded on the table next to us. Opened it to a page devoted solely to ‘gold healed shoes’ I showed Andrew and asked “can you tell the difference between any of theses shoes?” he shook his head. Neither could I! I’m a shame to the female species I suppose. Don’t get me wrong I take pride in what I wear and things like that. I just don’t spend hours and hours at a time shopping and trying things on. It drives me crazy.

Anyway I just got an email from a workmate which reminds me that my lunch was over about 2 minutes ago! Back to work :) Hope everyone’s day has gone well

xoxoxo

**I can't say no to you**

its saturday night
and i'm at home.
obviously.
went out for dinner with my family. we picnic-ed in the domain.
i love my families picnics.
and it was nice to have some real food.
i miss my real food.
i realise i miss a lot of things lately. and it is sad that i feel that way.
its upsetting to know that there are things gone from ones life that used to make it better.
life is about change however.
so i understand things changing.
if everything stayed the same. that would be bad.
it just seems to me that thinks change for the worse, rather than for the better.
i miss you guys (vic, tiffy, immy, sean, sam, ray...)
i know your still here... but things are different.
and that makes me a sad panda.
i'm reading the black jewels trilogy at my boyfriends request.
it alluring, and sexy to say the least.
but somehow. not quite right for me.
like life really.
my nieche is undiscovered.
but i'm okay.
really i'm not okay

more party pictures

Pretty Birthday messages on the wall. Please click for full view :)

my addition was the brick in the wall one and the sean is the coolest (original i know, but i had been drinking)

My beautiful panda!

Brad, Me and Sean

hope life is going well
xoxoxo
Vanessa

Pictures of Party :)

Pictures of the evening part one
in no particlar order
(these aren't mine. mine are still on film, in the camera)
(back of chad, Sean, Antony, Brad)

(David, Me, Suni)

(Back : Brad, Andrew, Sean, Me, David, Sarah, Antony)
Us outside sitting on couches

night was good :)
details if you want them!
xoxox
V

**party time**

Random general bullet pointed update

• Work is no fun when your airconditoning goes off. Exspecially when you have 70 or so people in your office, made of glass (the office not the people) i saw the temparture gauge on my clock hit 31 yesterday. icky.
  
• Real groovy is great for a) mindless wandering, B) seeing friends who you haven't seen for a while who randomly pop up in your life once in a while in the weirdest of place (bus stops, uni classes, real groovy staff... Waves to Ollie** *wanna know more about this guy asl :P) c) finding CDs of bands you've wanted for years in the $4.00 Sale bin. - Letters to Cleo! a little more pop that i thought they were going to be but lovely nonethe less
• Stomach cramps. I hate being a girl. they hurt like a bitch
• ramdom texts from old friends - Amie may be joining me tonight (see next bullet point for tonight info) haven't seen her since alex's 18th. She is my favourite of Alex's very many ex's. absoutly georgous... (may be a hint of a girl crush there) but i won't hold my breath, as she tends to be one of those people who gets busy. a lot. she lives far away so i dont' get to see her very often, so i hope it doesn't fall through
• Sean's 21st. he is famous for his parties. Party videos on his my space (ignore my boyfriend sucking face with his ex please... lol) the last one i went to a window got broken by chads butt. wee!. i'm really looking forward to it. A chance to let my hair down so to speak. fun. drinking. hopefully some kissing (of my boyfriend of course!) i plan on sueducing him hehe. (cause i've never done that at seans place before hehe)
  
• I have brought a disposable camera to document the event. if they are any photos worth displaying they will probably go up in a week or so
• I brought my paints out and let my creative fingers do the walking... and painting a korn inspired artwork for him for his birthday gift...
  " Day, is here fading.That's when, I would say.I flirt with suicide.Sometimes kill the pain.
  I can always say.'It's gonna be better tomorrow'.Falling away from me."
• birthday gift for my brother is sitting waiting to be wrapped on the table. it was his 12th birthday yesterday, so i got hima paul jenngings (sp) book of stories. get him back into books again. books are good.
  
• Neverwhere. by the same guy who did the sandman comics. watched the BBC seris of it. has fran from black books and the beautiful girl from a knights tale. recommmended watching. see andrew to borrow dvd.
  
• thats about all. enjoy your weekend people. i know i will

xoxoxoox
Vanessa

**it was amazing**

t was absoloutly amazing. fantastic. one of the best nights of my life!! i was excited all day.... went and picked up andrew from his work with sunita. on the bus up there we found out that a few other friends of ours (Sean, and his friend Chad and his girlfriend Laura) were going to the concert to. we arranged to meet in the line later...

Andrew, Suni and I got to the venue at about 6:15Pm. the door opened at 7. there was already a line waiting outside. but we were pretty close to the front.it was Nowhere near as bad as for the HIm one. (we got there at approx the same time as the Evanascence one, and the like was about 60 meters longer!!) We got in and waited at another set of doors (to the general admission area) until about 7:30pm.while i was waiting in this line, Andrew went to the souivernear stand brought me a teeshirt. but it doesn't actually have their new zealand concert written on it. i was gutted. but thats okay. I got a teeshirt none the less. and if no-one belives me well i have tickets to prove it. there was a beautiful hoodie. they wanted 70 dollars for it thou!!!

got in and were about 3 or four meters from the stage. right in the front of this raised platform bit,so we had a perfect unobstructed view of the stage!! it was amazing.

Redline played as the opening act. they were okay. not really my type of music though. a up and comming new zealand band.

then Evanescence came on at about 9:15pm. she sung amazingly. was wearing a wicked black dress, with tall boots and red and black striped stocking, and some funky armbands. did quite a few songs from her new album but also did some olds ones. Played lithaiam (sp) and then 'good enough' on the piano. i cried. it was so pretty, beautiful, soulful and moving. i've never got emotional about a song like that before... *but don't tell anyone* the set wasn't very long. it was over by about 10:45pm but for the oncore she played my immortal on the piano and another song...

it was great. fantastic. if you get a chance to go to a concert of hers, i totally recommend it. there was quite a few people. but there sold out concerts is actually tonight so that'll be competely packed.

*Tonights the Night**

this day is going so long.

its is concert day.

the day where i will see the most beautiful woman ever. In the flesh. from afar i'm afraid. Hopefully not too far. but i will seeher. and hear her sing. i am so excited.

the day is dragging, like the day before christmas for a 5 year old child

i am excited.

i have more poems to publish (they are at home)

written in the mist of darkness which was 1Am last night (this morning?)

i haven't had much luck sleeping lately. but i improved my poetry on the emo-ness of the other day.

Lunch time.

Write more later.

**rumor is that it 'snows' on stage**

Poetry at 3Am

this is 110% emo. and i'm not afraid to admit it.
but yeah.
poem.
below.
do with it what you will. (well actually don't do anything with it please)
me

Another piece of a soul rots, when your face fills my mind
And although you've been 'pushed back', your never far behind.
You bruised & shattered & broke me. Lie,stole & Abused
But nothing seems to matter, to the world - i am used
Take everything you want from me, and take a little more
you are out of sight now, but I cannot forget you - Whore!
(you tasted my skin, we shared bed and sweat)
now everything is out, for the world to see
you leave & walk away unscathed, its not that easy for me.

**uneventful**

my muse is gone.
can you help me find her/him?
its driving me mad.
i tried painting. it came out like crap
i tried poetry. i couldn't get any words to flow.
:( it makes me sad.
so yeah. meh.

xoxox
me

**2 years**

We've been together two years.
its lovely. nice to know that someone is there for you unconditonally.
its makes you feel nice and good and fuzzy inside.
weee!
have an audit in may. work is totally crazy.
caught up with sam on sunday.
nothing else really exciting happened on the weekend.
its nice to have a quiet one though,
and i enjoyed spending time with my boy :)
hope everyones week has started well.

**The First Page **

i've joined in the craize. and have just finished my first page. enjoy
the hair and folded flower are not normally there
xoxoxo
Vanessa

**Symond Street Shadows**

umm. well i'm feeling rather meh at the moment. as a result of the heat, 'friends', new meds, work and recieving a couple of things in the mail which kinda upset me but i'll survive. theres too many emos for me to add myself to the mix... so here is the first poem i have written in about six months. and well you can tell i've lost my poetry mojo/muse thou. Insperation walking up K Road to meet Andrew one evening. Advice, critisitim, and ideas to change it (its not finished as yet) would be greatly appericated.

Hope everyone has a good weekend
Me

Symond Street Shadows

6 foot 4
a lollipop in your mouth
(i know you wish you were sucking something else)

we all live this lie. Play our parts on the world stage

wearing a heart on your sleeve
along with piercings and tattoos
(hand in hand)
not with a lover, but someone who 'matches' you

live this lie. its all we know. play your part. we are so good at it

not matter how fast you go
(rythmitic feet on pavement)
you'll never run away
and no matter how hard you 'smile'
(its painted on, like the eyeliner)
shes not going to stay

All we do is lie. Lie to live
Pay a part. stay safe behind your mask.

**Spinning in Lace Skirts**

I have the most loviest kindest bestest boyfriend ever **Hugs Andrew**
Having $$ domestics at the moment between myself and my bank account . and had to spend my Evanescence Ticket money on bills and doctors apointments, and was most upset that i wasn't going to be able to see the woman who is my idol (well as idol- as you can get i suppose) Amy Lee. *squeeee!* but he brought tickets today.
I know it takes more for a boyfriend to buy things to make a good one. but it is just such a sweet and romantic gesture.
Other than that life is pretty mundane. Work. sleep work.
Friday night was spent dancing to salsa music and drinking pashfruit magrita from a jug
watching friends get thrown in the air in a metal ball thing...
Watching waking life... with 'refreshments' on saturday.
Hanging out at the beach with Sean, Suni, Sarah, Andrew and James saturday afternoon **movinpic icecream mmmmmm tasty!!!**
I caught up with Vic on Sunday night, which was good cause i haven't seen her for ages. shes pretty much *besides Sam and Sean* that i still keep in contact with from high school *not a huge fan of my high school years!*
Saw Immy on Monday morning, not for very long but she still exist *yay!*
I have a fridge that doesn't leak... YAY!.
and tuesday back to work...

xoxoxo
V

**taking the time**

anniversary present post. so if you know andrew don't you tell now.. its a supprise :P

i'm going to get engraved on the inside "1:00Pm - 11/02/05" 'Our Time' as that was the time and day of our first date. to corney?? i dunno. i wish i could have got him the watch that he really really wanted. but the stupid company wouldn't ship it here unless it was over $100 US. and welll. i can't afford that right now. or at all pretty much. but this one is nice. i like it. i really home he does too.

anyway my long weekend has been lovely so far.
i've stuck to my new years resoultion. i managed to drink, not get drunk i went to a mexican bar and had a margarita jug. and danced to spanish and salsa music. it was great. :) i also watched a wonderful insightful life altering movie as well called "waking Life" i recoomend everyone see it. it is amazing. very very philosophical. and trippy. its in cartoon. but couldn't have been made any other way...

xoxoxoxo
Vanessa

**In the quiet**

me.
mylife can be summed up in one word at the moment. Humid.
oh the joys of wearing corprate clothing, which for me is pretty much all black. all the time.
its a silly thing to do. when your air con is on and off half the day.
and the heat outside is remisant of a bakers oven
but what is this pysdo goth to do?
go to supre and buy herself some 'pink-ness' i don't think so!! hehe

i have a pretty, insightful, and just general 'aww' picture. this is on a lampost. on symond street.
i like it. i want to write foamy sayings on stickers, and place them in public places. like "foamy - our lord and master" "foamy says : i'll poak you in the eye with a really hot french fry" or just pretty-song lyrics "why bother bothering just for a poem or another sad song sing", but without further ado here is my 'taken on my cell phone so really bad quality' picture

well i like it.

ummm... not much else to say about my life really. its contains work. sleep. eat. pretty much. i'm supposed to be going out clubbing on friday (i'm getting too old for this.. and i haven't been clubbing since my birthday... and that was only one. for like an hour) and then the next morning...on a piercing date with sean, sunita, sarah, toby and andrew on saturday. i don't know if its going to happen (there'll probably be some friday night hangovers lingering) but i hope so. i just need to decide what to get pierced. weeee. i love putting more holes in me!! :P i'm a sieve!!

hope life is going good with you's
xoxoxoxo
Vanessa

**big day in**

The big day out has returned.
I say to myself every year since i was about 15 that i will go.
every year i dont.
this year it is hosting one of the more interesting bands :tool. i'd pay 100 bucks to see them on thei own.
but yeah. the big day out, has kind of lost its 'ooooohhh i wannna go' appeal to it now.
suppose thats the curse of getting old
but it seems to be invaded by really bad rappers, even worse punk bands *cough* my chemical romance *cough* and worst of all... the emo-boppers.
i'm taking them a step forward and calling them emo boppers now. more than just your typical dark eyelined emo. these ones comes with a "i'm indivuial" mentailty but don't quite realise that when glassons and supre start stocking your type of clothing. it ant orginial anymore honey!
but yeah. i saw two emo-boppers today in town. two. a grand total of two!!
the rest are obviously jumping up and down with their friends MCR. *icky*

I know you can probably add all the arguments here to the fact that i am eagerly awaiting my pay day so i can buy my Evanescence ticket. but at least that has the *giant sigh of relief* a R18 rating. no 15 year olds 'i've felt all of lifes pain' emo-boppers alloweed. woopee! that alone put them up a notch. not to mention that fact that *sigh* amy lee... *awww* its looks like that on woman that make them attractive to me... lol

other than that... welll... ummm... life is pretty... blah.
i'm not feeling so hot *physically* as you probably noticed from the *seasickness entry* which doesn't seem to have gone away. I had scary i'm preganant dreams last night so i'm hoping to goddess that it isn't a bad oman or something. *crosses fingers and toes* I am in no way ready to be mummy yet.

speaking of parents. serindipty came and visited me last night. andrew, sean, and i were heading up to real groovy. much to my annoyance because i wanted a tim tam iced chocolate. but anyway waiting in theline for sean to get his dvd *waking life* everyone must see apprently. Who should i bump into buy OLLI! argh!! *giggles* this is a guy who has been in and out of my life *in no way romantically* since i finished school. i met him on the bus that i caught everyday to work, we started chatting and became sorta mates. he worked at lynmall same as me but at sounds. the music store. then we lost touch, and he had been tranfered to ECM in westcity. where i bumped into him one day while shopping. Say hi. and didn't see him until last year when *guess who was in one of my short lived uni classes* it was a plesent suprise. i then quit uni and felt guilty so didn't go back and tell him, then yesterday i saw him at real groovy. wow. hehe. its nice having those type of people. than even thou you don't see for ever and every. you still say hello and have the same sorta 'vibe' around the two of you when you do me. the reason why this relates to parents was i saw a picture of his SON! named Owen. SO SO SO SOOOO cute!!! (almost as cute as his dad heheh... *i'm teasing... calm down people :P)

xoxoxo
Vanessa