It seems like every day’s the same
and I’m left to discover on my own
It seems like everything is gray and there’s no color to behold
They say it’s over and I’m fine again, yeah
Try to stay sober feels like I’m dying here
And I am aware now of how
everything’s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I’m in hell
I am prepared now, seems everyone’s gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well
I feel the dream in me expire
and there’s no one left to blame it on
I hear you label me a liar
‘cause I can’t seem to get this through
You say it’s over, I can sigh again, yeah
Why try to stay sober when I’m dying here
And I am aware now of how everything’s gonna be fine
one day Too late, I’m in hell
I am prepared now,
seems everyone’s gonna be fine
One day too late; just as well
And I’m not scared now.
I must assure you, you’re never gonna get away
And I’m not scared now.
And I’m not scared now. No…
I am aware now of how everything’s gonna be fine
one day
Too late, I’m in hell
I am prepared now
seems everyone’s gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well
I am prepared now, seems everything’s gonna be fine for me
For me; for myself.
For me, for me, for myself
For me, for me, for myself
This song has made me shed tears more than once in my life. most recently hearing it live coming from Shaun’s lips. But it’s been stuck in the back of my head ever since, running around over and over again, like a hamster on speed.
It seems like every day’s the same - wake up. Work. Think how much I hate work. Go home. Eat. Shower. Sleep. Wake up. Repeat
It seems like everything is gray and there’s no colour to behold - I want to know the exact moment i realised that we are all destined to die. Morbid and pathetically emo as it sounds its true. We exist. We work to keep ourselves and others existing. we reproduce. We die. Sure some of us may do great things and change little pieces of the world. Some of us may be here to witness those things, but in 10,000 years from now are they going to remember. In our next life, are they going to matter?
Try to stay sober feels like I’m dying here - I’m not an alcoholic but there is times (and not 6pm with the evening meal) that I could really use a drink. Or something stronger
And I am aware now of how everything’s gonna be fine - I suppose, these feelings too shall pass
One day
Too late
I’m in hell.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Sunday, November 02, 2008
*karma ran over my dogma*
i was going to write a profound and somewhat immature and pissed off entry about how much of an unfair wench Karma has been to me this weekend, but putting pen to paper (or rather fingers to keyboard) I have no energy. Let’s just say karma has totally twisted in her/his choices of who deserves what kind of luck in life– I don’t think I’m a bad person, I haven’t sacrificed any small animals or committed any major sins lately, I don’t quite get why me of all people get kicked in the butt... :(
I’m moving out. I leave the flat on the 22nd. I applied for a design and visual arts course at Unitec starting Feb. 09. I applied for *gulp* another student loan. I’ve began packing my life into boxes. Will I regret these lifestyle changes. Maybe? But I won’t know unless I do them.
I’m moving out. I leave the flat on the 22nd. I applied for a design and visual arts course at Unitec starting Feb. 09. I applied for *gulp* another student loan. I’ve began packing my life into boxes. Will I regret these lifestyle changes. Maybe? But I won’t know unless I do them.
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
**Nothing else matters**
I am standing at a cross roads right now. They are dusty, empty, dry and lonely with many paths to choose. Despite the negatives of this place... I am here. Standing in the middle. Looking down each to see what they will become if I begin to tread their ground. I honestly don’t know which road to follow, where to go with regards to my life. Some things I don't have a choice there is a big dead end sign awaiting me. Some roads I feel have been blocked by people who don't want me to travel down with them. The dark foreboding ones scare me because they are so tempting... Some I have already been down before know what they hold and do not want to follow that path again.
Ultimately I feel I have no where to go and nowhere to turn too... through no fault of their own I’m sure.... It's all me. It always is...And searching for what to do with your future hurts when your head aches... and searching for what to do with your love makes your heart break... *has silly emo song lyrics forming in her silly emo head*
End babble.
X's and O's - Ness
Ultimately I feel I have no where to go and nowhere to turn too... through no fault of their own I’m sure.... It's all me. It always is...And searching for what to do with your future hurts when your head aches... and searching for what to do with your love makes your heart break... *has silly emo song lyrics forming in her silly emo head*
End babble.
X's and O's - Ness
Monday, September 08, 2008
A Crash Course
In updating the world... I realised I haven't actually written here for a while, so a cliff notes version of the last month is due. Firstly my much needed holiday – photographic evidence can be found on Face Book.
First stop was Rotorua (my lovely overseas reader... ;) I recommend you Google a map of the north island so you have some idea where I am talking about lol) a thermal town which has the scent of sulphur in the air constantly. While there we indulged in the Polynesian spas... it was so relaxing just lying in the hot water, under the awning and watching the occasional raindrop fall into the water. We also went on this adventure ride called a “Squeeb” basically its a track set above the ground and connected to it are this plastic cylinders, inside is bike pedals and handles and room for a person to sit in! Its sounds nuts but it was actually a lot of fun speeding around in the tracks.
The second day went drove from Rotorua to Taupo stopping at a few things on the way. First was the Buried Village just out of Rotorua this place was completely covered in mud after a volcanic eruption in 1886. The place had an interesting feel about it, and it wasn’t far from my mind that over 100 people died here when Mount Tarawhera exploded at about 1am. I got some great pictures of some of the buildings peaking out of the ground, and there was a short bushwalk that past a lovely waterfall. I love NZ bush, I don’t think that there is anything else like it, and I think of home when I smell that earthy wet smell from damp bush soil in the air.
We also went on a boat ride the same day up the Waikato River towards Huka Falls. Which are no where near as impressive as some more famous falls but are still very cool. We could have gone on a Jet boat spinning donuts around the falls, but I think I enjoyed the lazy boat ride more. Our guide Simon was lovely and it was only the three of us actually on the boat.
Day three was spent visiting a couple of interesting Maori sights. One was a thermal walk which we passed swamp like areas but with boiling hot mud pools and steam pools, where people used to bath and cook. The other was called Opotaka Historic place, and although it didn’t look like much there was a war that was waged there years ago, plus it gave us a lovely spot to get pictures of the mountains with snow on them!!
That was our next stop; I had never seen snow before so I was a tad excited! We wandered up to the chateau near Mt Ruapehu (which is one of the main skiing mountains) completely without any skiing clothing or gear L but I did get to have a little play in the snow... I was amazed at how much of it there actually was. Ironically it was the sunniest day of our trip so it didn’t even feel that cold!! But yay I can finally say I have seen snow now!! Woot! We ended up driving a bit more up to Otrahonga after that so we could get to Waitomo Caves bright and early the next morning.
We were greeted by a rather frosty morning on day four and wandered next door to the Kiwi House Native bird Sanctuary. NZ is an odd country that 99% of the animals here were introduced to the land by Man. The only native animals are Birds and a few lizards/geckos...
The Next part of the day was the place I was looking forward to seeing the most, Waitomo.
This is a town where the population is around 41, but they had over 500,000 visitors there last year. It is a place with farmland fill with Pancake rocks, and caves deep underground with funky limestone rock formations and glow worms. Very unique to NZ, no other caves like them in the world. We went with a company called Spellbound which is a smaller company but better than the mass produced “look to your left. Look to your right. Now the trip is over” tour which I had been warned about by my father. After paying our $55 we spend the next 3 and a quarter hours, wandering on farmland limestone paths, passing 'Pancake' Rock formations (formed because of earth movement near fault lines, i think??!) Putting on hard hats and going through a cave by boat into the blackness and seeing thousands of glow worms above us. I can believe how people could have thought this is where the stars came during the day time, because it was like looking at a starry night only 5 feet above our heads. Beautiful. I wish I could have taken pictures inside but being pitch black not really possible without the right equipment. After another short walk and a cuppa we wandered into the second cave. This one we went through on foot and got to have close up looks at the formations and things. Also heard (and saw the evidence in skeleton form) stories of animals falling down into the caves and not being able to get out. Including Moa, which is a giant bird similar to an emu but larger that has been extinct here in NZ for 1000’s of years.
After Waitomo it was time to head north, we stopped and had a lovely lunch at a cafe near the base camp for spellbound and went on a short bushwalk called “Ruikoura”, past where people were coming back from Black water rafting (basically white water rafting but in caves!) got some nice shots of little cave arches that you had to walk through too.
So that in a nut shell was the whirlwind holiday. I had an great time and saw some breathtaking places and basically have caught the travel bug now. I want to see more of the world.
Okay that's all of the last month you are going to get (my fingers hurt!) but that was the most exciting bit.
Oh and i have a new job. and a new crush ( a realistic one this time!)... but stay tuned for the next exciting episode, same bat time, same bat channel :P
X's and O's
Ness
First stop was Rotorua (my lovely overseas reader... ;) I recommend you Google a map of the north island so you have some idea where I am talking about lol) a thermal town which has the scent of sulphur in the air constantly. While there we indulged in the Polynesian spas... it was so relaxing just lying in the hot water, under the awning and watching the occasional raindrop fall into the water. We also went on this adventure ride called a “Squeeb” basically its a track set above the ground and connected to it are this plastic cylinders, inside is bike pedals and handles and room for a person to sit in! Its sounds nuts but it was actually a lot of fun speeding around in the tracks.
The second day went drove from Rotorua to Taupo stopping at a few things on the way. First was the Buried Village just out of Rotorua this place was completely covered in mud after a volcanic eruption in 1886. The place had an interesting feel about it, and it wasn’t far from my mind that over 100 people died here when Mount Tarawhera exploded at about 1am. I got some great pictures of some of the buildings peaking out of the ground, and there was a short bushwalk that past a lovely waterfall. I love NZ bush, I don’t think that there is anything else like it, and I think of home when I smell that earthy wet smell from damp bush soil in the air.
We also went on a boat ride the same day up the Waikato River towards Huka Falls. Which are no where near as impressive as some more famous falls but are still very cool. We could have gone on a Jet boat spinning donuts around the falls, but I think I enjoyed the lazy boat ride more. Our guide Simon was lovely and it was only the three of us actually on the boat.
Day three was spent visiting a couple of interesting Maori sights. One was a thermal walk which we passed swamp like areas but with boiling hot mud pools and steam pools, where people used to bath and cook. The other was called Opotaka Historic place, and although it didn’t look like much there was a war that was waged there years ago, plus it gave us a lovely spot to get pictures of the mountains with snow on them!!
That was our next stop; I had never seen snow before so I was a tad excited! We wandered up to the chateau near Mt Ruapehu (which is one of the main skiing mountains) completely without any skiing clothing or gear L but I did get to have a little play in the snow... I was amazed at how much of it there actually was. Ironically it was the sunniest day of our trip so it didn’t even feel that cold!! But yay I can finally say I have seen snow now!! Woot! We ended up driving a bit more up to Otrahonga after that so we could get to Waitomo Caves bright and early the next morning.
We were greeted by a rather frosty morning on day four and wandered next door to the Kiwi House Native bird Sanctuary. NZ is an odd country that 99% of the animals here were introduced to the land by Man. The only native animals are Birds and a few lizards/geckos...
The Next part of the day was the place I was looking forward to seeing the most, Waitomo.
This is a town where the population is around 41, but they had over 500,000 visitors there last year. It is a place with farmland fill with Pancake rocks, and caves deep underground with funky limestone rock formations and glow worms. Very unique to NZ, no other caves like them in the world. We went with a company called Spellbound which is a smaller company but better than the mass produced “look to your left. Look to your right. Now the trip is over” tour which I had been warned about by my father. After paying our $55 we spend the next 3 and a quarter hours, wandering on farmland limestone paths, passing 'Pancake' Rock formations (formed because of earth movement near fault lines, i think??!) Putting on hard hats and going through a cave by boat into the blackness and seeing thousands of glow worms above us. I can believe how people could have thought this is where the stars came during the day time, because it was like looking at a starry night only 5 feet above our heads. Beautiful. I wish I could have taken pictures inside but being pitch black not really possible without the right equipment. After another short walk and a cuppa we wandered into the second cave. This one we went through on foot and got to have close up looks at the formations and things. Also heard (and saw the evidence in skeleton form) stories of animals falling down into the caves and not being able to get out. Including Moa, which is a giant bird similar to an emu but larger that has been extinct here in NZ for 1000’s of years.
After Waitomo it was time to head north, we stopped and had a lovely lunch at a cafe near the base camp for spellbound and went on a short bushwalk called “Ruikoura”, past where people were coming back from Black water rafting (basically white water rafting but in caves!) got some nice shots of little cave arches that you had to walk through too.
So that in a nut shell was the whirlwind holiday. I had an great time and saw some breathtaking places and basically have caught the travel bug now. I want to see more of the world.
Okay that's all of the last month you are going to get (my fingers hurt!) but that was the most exciting bit.
Oh and i have a new job. and a new crush ( a realistic one this time!)... but stay tuned for the next exciting episode, same bat time, same bat channel :P
X's and O's
Ness
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
**Six Degrees**
Olympic-ie goodness is in the air. It brings people together, on a grand scale – i.e. the entire games...some of the crowds on our little lounge TV look insane. To the small scale, there have been more people sitting in our lounge at one time (5 of us! That is over half the flat OMG!) just watching... I like it. I’ve had some interesting conversations with flatmates that I wouldn’t ordinarily have such as 1 finger rock climbing moves, Olympic politics, and dead baby jokes... I like it. Together-ness good
5 days till my trip. I’m squee-ing inside, as in am really excited. This will be my third holiday this year if you count my whirlwind trip to Christchurch (which I do!) I guess I should look back at the start of the year star sign and see if there was “travel on the horizon” written in the Capricorn sign...! Doesn’t matter, I’m enjoying exploring new parts of NZ. I’m following Danny, one of the people I’m going on Holiday with, and his little journey around Australia through the pictures on his blog and man are they Aw-inspiring. One time delay shot of the outback sky, I lost my breath. Then he come across the ditch to Kiwi land and showed these amazing shots of Wanaka and the lakes down there. I can’t believe there is beauty in my own country and I haven’t even seen it!!! I shouldn’t want to jump the fence until I at least have seen everything in my own backyard. But I hope to change that with stops planned in Rotaroua, Taupo and Waitomo
I spent some of my weekend doing washing at the laundry mat, contemplating learning how to ride a scooter (one of those cute retro ones thank you very much!!!) seeing someone jump on with their duffel full of warm fresh dried clothes and scoot home! I want that... it’s just other people on the road that scare me. And the idea that I have this giant thing around me that I can potentially kill people with. I know that’s probably really irrational, but that’s the way my brain works.
Wandered to the zoo for the second time in six months with a photographer friend of mine (pictures on FB if you desire to see them) was fun, the weather behaved, I got to see the adorable otters!! I *heart <3* them and would love to have one as a pet. They act like a ADHD cat high on sugar, they never stop moving, and are so adorable!!! And remembered how to get to the cute hidie spot near PT Chev beach where the rocks jut out into the sea, its the perfect place to eat fish and chip dinner.
I have stupid crushes. And they are stupid because they will never happen because they are domed from the start. One being far away. Not far away it being impossible, but far enough to be inconceivable *say it in a princess bride voice!*... long distance sucks ass! Especially if the vision in the distance is of a beautiful kind wonderful boyfriend material male. Oh and the other one, the idea I have feelings for this man is just funny! Funny as in it will never happen, and I’m no where near his type... but that’s the thing with crushes I suppose they don’t have to make sense and be realistic... *wanders off to have R rated fantasy’s about Mr. Depp!*
It was in one of my Olympic watching discussions when the 6 degrees of separation conversation came up. A flatmate of mine knows someone from my past and its rather freaky how slim the 6 degrees can become. It doesn’t bother me a great deal, but I really don’t need my past rearing its ugly head... I know i’ve done some stupid shit in the past, but that’s where it should stay! Accept it, it happened, and then Move on. Oh, and most importantly learn from it, because the definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results and we don’t want be crazy people now, do we?
5 days till my trip. I’m squee-ing inside, as in am really excited. This will be my third holiday this year if you count my whirlwind trip to Christchurch (which I do!) I guess I should look back at the start of the year star sign and see if there was “travel on the horizon” written in the Capricorn sign...! Doesn’t matter, I’m enjoying exploring new parts of NZ. I’m following Danny, one of the people I’m going on Holiday with, and his little journey around Australia through the pictures on his blog and man are they Aw-inspiring. One time delay shot of the outback sky, I lost my breath. Then he come across the ditch to Kiwi land and showed these amazing shots of Wanaka and the lakes down there. I can’t believe there is beauty in my own country and I haven’t even seen it!!! I shouldn’t want to jump the fence until I at least have seen everything in my own backyard. But I hope to change that with stops planned in Rotaroua, Taupo and Waitomo
I spent some of my weekend doing washing at the laundry mat, contemplating learning how to ride a scooter (one of those cute retro ones thank you very much!!!) seeing someone jump on with their duffel full of warm fresh dried clothes and scoot home! I want that... it’s just other people on the road that scare me. And the idea that I have this giant thing around me that I can potentially kill people with. I know that’s probably really irrational, but that’s the way my brain works.
Wandered to the zoo for the second time in six months with a photographer friend of mine (pictures on FB if you desire to see them) was fun, the weather behaved, I got to see the adorable otters!! I *heart <3* them and would love to have one as a pet. They act like a ADHD cat high on sugar, they never stop moving, and are so adorable!!! And remembered how to get to the cute hidie spot near PT Chev beach where the rocks jut out into the sea, its the perfect place to eat fish and chip dinner.
I have stupid crushes. And they are stupid because they will never happen because they are domed from the start. One being far away. Not far away it being impossible, but far enough to be inconceivable *say it in a princess bride voice!*... long distance sucks ass! Especially if the vision in the distance is of a beautiful kind wonderful boyfriend material male. Oh and the other one, the idea I have feelings for this man is just funny! Funny as in it will never happen, and I’m no where near his type... but that’s the thing with crushes I suppose they don’t have to make sense and be realistic... *wanders off to have R rated fantasy’s about Mr. Depp!*
It was in one of my Olympic watching discussions when the 6 degrees of separation conversation came up. A flatmate of mine knows someone from my past and its rather freaky how slim the 6 degrees can become. It doesn’t bother me a great deal, but I really don’t need my past rearing its ugly head... I know i’ve done some stupid shit in the past, but that’s where it should stay! Accept it, it happened, and then Move on. Oh, and most importantly learn from it, because the definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results and we don’t want be crazy people now, do we?
Thursday, July 17, 2008
**home... is where the heart is?**
I've been thinking about recently. about what exactly makes a home a home. it started from a scene in Garden State, which is currently my new favourite movie.... and i guess the topic hasn't really ended yet i suppose. i have un-answered questions. ones that really need answering and kinda soon
Scene that got me thinking :
Andrew Largeman: You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone. Sam: I still feel at home in my house. Andrew Largeman: You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.
but i wrote a poem. that however started with a coversation about putting shoes in the oven, and will end when i finish this and go and cook tea
Home?
Black nugget taints the air
as a pair of doc’s
makes their way
Towards the oven
We shan’t let them in
As my dinner needs
a home to warm itself
unlike mine, which is
cold
With dusty wooden floor
sthe ceiling is its enemy
(I assume that’s why,
Its up so high)
Could this ever be ‘home to me?’
It is but a dwelling
A 3 layered storage shed
where i live sleep and breath
but have no connection....
Scene that got me thinking :
Andrew Largeman: You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone. Sam: I still feel at home in my house. Andrew Largeman: You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place.
but i wrote a poem. that however started with a coversation about putting shoes in the oven, and will end when i finish this and go and cook tea
Home?
Black nugget taints the air
as a pair of doc’s
makes their way
Towards the oven
We shan’t let them in
As my dinner needs
a home to warm itself
unlike mine, which is
cold
With dusty wooden floor
sthe ceiling is its enemy
(I assume that’s why,
Its up so high)
Could this ever be ‘home to me?’
It is but a dwelling
A 3 layered storage shed
where i live sleep and breath
but have no connection....
Friday, July 04, 2008
Lost poem. Found
*for the record this isn't mind* but i like it.
Please don’t judge me by my face,
By my religion or my race,
Please don’t laugh at what I wear,
Or how I look or do my hair,
Please look a little deeper,
Way down deep inside,
And although you may not see it,
I have a lot to hide,
Behind me clothed the secrets lie,
Behind my smile, I softly cry,
Please look a little deeper,
And maybe you will see,
The lonely little girl,
That lived inside of me,
Please listen carefully to her,
She’ll show that she is insecure,
Please try to be a friend to her,
And show her that you care,
Please just get to know her,
And maybe you will see,
That if you just look deep enough,
You’ll find the real me.
-unknown-
Please don’t judge me by my face,
By my religion or my race,
Please don’t laugh at what I wear,
Or how I look or do my hair,
Please look a little deeper,
Way down deep inside,
And although you may not see it,
I have a lot to hide,
Behind me clothed the secrets lie,
Behind my smile, I softly cry,
Please look a little deeper,
And maybe you will see,
The lonely little girl,
That lived inside of me,
Please listen carefully to her,
She’ll show that she is insecure,
Please try to be a friend to her,
And show her that you care,
Please just get to know her,
And maybe you will see,
That if you just look deep enough,
You’ll find the real me.
-unknown-
Thursday, June 26, 2008
**are you made of stardust too, are the angels after you**
i was going to update, but i get here and i kind of can't be bothered. i'll bullet point my life since the last entry, (which i don't actually know when it was)
** Deep hard and funky on saturday. woop woop. if you haven't rsvp-ed to my invite. do it now damnitt!!
** work is a giant pile of Poop so i've started job hunting
** Old victorian villas are cold in the winter. i'm shivvering as we speak
** 90's themed nights at clubs kick ass
**bruno is still the cutest bartender/pub quiz annoucer ever *swoon*
**Hoilday in August. i can't wait. Hopefully its going to kick ass. Danny is coming over from the UK and we're (me amie and him) are going to road trip *cross fingers* in a camper!!.
** am single again. i trusted my gut enough not to get attached, it still stings...
**have ideas for my b/day in december.. early i know! but i want a Firefly themed Shingdig
OOOh and look....
ummm... yeah thats about it.
blame the weather for the short sentences...
X's and O's
Ness
** Deep hard and funky on saturday. woop woop. if you haven't rsvp-ed to my invite. do it now damnitt!!
** work is a giant pile of Poop so i've started job hunting
** Old victorian villas are cold in the winter. i'm shivvering as we speak
** 90's themed nights at clubs kick ass
**bruno is still the cutest bartender/pub quiz annoucer ever *swoon*
**Hoilday in August. i can't wait. Hopefully its going to kick ass. Danny is coming over from the UK and we're (me amie and him) are going to road trip *cross fingers* in a camper!!.
** am single again. i trusted my gut enough not to get attached, it still stings...
**have ideas for my b/day in december.. early i know! but i want a Firefly themed Shingdig
OOOh and look....
ummm... yeah thats about it.
blame the weather for the short sentences...
X's and O's
Ness
Saturday, May 31, 2008
**it was there and now its gone**
An Epiphany of sorts....
I photographed something today, which captured something so simple but made me think... "i just took a picture of a moment in time that has gone, that many people may have missed and that no-one will see again" now i know that's kinda silly because any picture you take is a moment in time and you'll never get it back and thus the reason for the picture, a record, a memory of sorts. but it took taking pictures of 8am fog in ponsonby and then going back to bed (johnny Bravo cartoons, woot woot!) getting up again at 10 and it had gone.
I photographed something today, which captured something so simple but made me think... "i just took a picture of a moment in time that has gone, that many people may have missed and that no-one will see again" now i know that's kinda silly because any picture you take is a moment in time and you'll never get it back and thus the reason for the picture, a record, a memory of sorts. but it took taking pictures of 8am fog in ponsonby and then going back to bed (johnny Bravo cartoons, woot woot!) getting up again at 10 and it had gone.
the result
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Lay On
i was wandering through a simple word doc titled "poems" and found a couple i forgot that i had written, but quite like so i thought i'd share. its late, and i'm sleeply awake, so ignore spelling/grammer errors... hell its poetry. grammer and puncuation doesn't come into it!!!
Laying on the ground
dry but still a fresh green
He explains encounterswith the grass
of the dying corn textured variety
lay on your back
head towards the sky
shield your eyes
turn towards
he's looking into you now
lie on your stomach
legs on the slope,
one bare foot touches the earth
the other an ankle
of the male variety
and another... older still
Untitled
Darkness i wish was lit with candles
a single bulb above the stairs
they are rickidy and creak
underfoot
and i'm afraid to wake you at the bott0m
it is dark in my cave
there is a hint of life
peaking out from your door
yet i ignore
and avoid you gaze, cause i know i'm not wanted anymore
or ever. at all?
that'll do. Bedtime.
Ness
Laying on the ground
dry but still a fresh green
He explains encounterswith the grass
of the dying corn textured variety
lay on your back
head towards the sky
shield your eyes
turn towards
he's looking into you now
lie on your stomach
legs on the slope,
one bare foot touches the earth
the other an ankle
of the male variety
and another... older still
Untitled
Darkness i wish was lit with candles
a single bulb above the stairs
they are rickidy and creak
underfoot
and i'm afraid to wake you at the bott0m
it is dark in my cave
there is a hint of life
peaking out from your door
yet i ignore
and avoid you gaze, cause i know i'm not wanted anymore
or ever. at all?
that'll do. Bedtime.
Ness
Sunday, May 18, 2008
not too much higher, thank you
someone stole my umbrella a little sod got boring with his one eX
there wasd Trainspotting DVD for 6bucks in tauranga, should have brought it cause i fell so alive
genes most likely to hate me the mody.
i'm a terrible person, see now i said t
Vaesssa
Thursday, May 01, 2008
word vomit
mhmm,
nothings been writen for a while, i should post about my chch trip but i think i'll show pictures instead. then you might get some ness word vomit (if your good).. life is plodding along slowly. and by slowly we mean slowly sometimes, except at work when your to do is like exactly 1 refil page long *one to do per line!* with various call numbers for the stupid service desk in the margin. i almost wrote margarine. which is not as nice as butter by the way. but back to the where abouts of nessa-kins. well last weekend she was in chch. and this is what she captured on film (after buying new batteries cause murphy made her others run out!
nothings been writen for a while, i should post about my chch trip but i think i'll show pictures instead. then you might get some ness word vomit (if your good).. life is plodding along slowly. and by slowly we mean slowly sometimes, except at work when your to do is like exactly 1 refil page long *one to do per line!* with various call numbers for the stupid service desk in the margin. i almost wrote margarine. which is not as nice as butter by the way. but back to the where abouts of nessa-kins. well last weekend she was in chch. and this is what she captured on film (after buying new batteries cause murphy made her others run out!
this is looking up from the chch catherdral (the big big big one!) 147 stairs to the top. and yes i did walk to the top. 
this one is of the celing of part of the church. pretty. and oh so very high.
yep. that'll do, cause blogger is so not as cool as OD or even my Bebo blog, and hates me when i attempt to show off things (aka photos of a building) that is prettier than it is. yesh i'm a tad crazy this evening. please blame the tiredness of a ness that has been up since 6am and been working since 7:15. she is tired. ... oh and without further ado. some really bad, half drunken... i mean i drunk half a bottle of wine while i was cooking, before i starting word vomiting...the wine didn't come up... most of it was ina cream sauce. mmmmm cream sauce.... (which andrew... this is cute 6 foot 4 andrew from Chch not.... *cough cough unemployed and emo mcCartney A,** made and added wait for it.... *vegos hide* kangaroo meat. *vegos cover your eyes* it was Soooooo tasty.... my imitation to show off for flatmate and brother did not have austrailan icon in it. it has muscles. but still was nice.... ok poem time..
She lay awake in thought of you
listen to your secrets
whispered the wind
durning a witching hour
with insomaic tendencies
and her brain a washing machine
or a dog with a toy
tug and tear, toss and turnw
here are they going?
who are we?
where to? what next?
listen to your secrets
whispered the wind
durning a witching hour
with insomaic tendencies
and her brain a washing machine
or a dog with a toy
tug and tear, toss and turnw
here are they going?
who are we?
where to? what next?
unsure, uncertain
to shy to be bold
its different with him
the hearts warm and open
to shy to be bold
its different with him
the hearts warm and open
and scared and afraid behind it shell
she waits and she watched
and thinks she is wrong
she waits and she watched
and thinks she is wrong
to casual to care...if shes there or she's gone?
Monday, April 14, 2008
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Thinking
the blog that was here will be back soon.
its too much to print it and admit right now
FYI i'm okay... in the loosest sense of the word so readers (if there is any) don't panic.
its too much to print it and admit right now
FYI i'm okay... in the loosest sense of the word so readers (if there is any) don't panic.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Dreaming
I think I need to seek psychiatric help with my dreams as of late. Who does one call when their dreams are more messed up that a mad hatter tea party crossed with Emilie Autumns Asylum for wayward Victoria girls? The Sandman? Morpheus the god of dreams? It’s not just the content of the dreams that my subconscious is creating but the random little things from my past that keep popping into them. It’s not necessary a significant thing, it may be as small as a diary cover I had when I was a child or a random classmate from primary school. But so far the majority have been dark, disturbing, and gross and seem to have malicious undertones.
A couple of things are bugging me as well, now that I sit down to write a blog about them and to get your insight the majority have slipped from my grasp, like holding onto sand to tight I suppose, it slips through your fingers back onto the beach and is indecipherable amongst the other grains। I have a picture of giant hourglasses now, and my brain is going on a tangent. I want one. A tall gothic hourglass with deep crimson sand inside – it (hourglasses) would make quite a cool object to collect.
*shakes head* back to the dreams…
One was of particular eww-ness and I advice not to read below if you are currently consuming any kind of food or beverage. A relatively small pimple was discovered on my face by a friend of mine (V) who’s friend of hers (S) – but not a friend of mine if you know what I mean – was there also. Now they decided to squeeze it with tweezers… gunk kept coming out of it for quite a while. (Told you it was gross) try interpreting that!!
Themes from my dreams range from the exciting to the scary to the mundane act of making toast or looking for keys. I have had a few dreams reoccur, not the actual dream in its entirety but the themes and such. I get lost in houses a lot that I do not recognise from my waking life, and the lights don’t work. I turn the lights on and it takes a few minutes for them to actually light up. I also have bathroom dreams…. Weird I know. But that’s me…
A couple of things are bugging me as well, now that I sit down to write a blog about them and to get your insight the majority have slipped from my grasp, like holding onto sand to tight I suppose, it slips through your fingers back onto the beach and is indecipherable amongst the other grains। I have a picture of giant hourglasses now, and my brain is going on a tangent. I want one. A tall gothic hourglass with deep crimson sand inside – it (hourglasses) would make quite a cool object to collect.
*shakes head* back to the dreams…
One was of particular eww-ness and I advice not to read below if you are currently consuming any kind of food or beverage. A relatively small pimple was discovered on my face by a friend of mine (V) who’s friend of hers (S) – but not a friend of mine if you know what I mean – was there also. Now they decided to squeeze it with tweezers… gunk kept coming out of it for quite a while. (Told you it was gross) try interpreting that!!
Themes from my dreams range from the exciting to the scary to the mundane act of making toast or looking for keys. I have had a few dreams reoccur, not the actual dream in its entirety but the themes and such. I get lost in houses a lot that I do not recognise from my waking life, and the lights don’t work. I turn the lights on and it takes a few minutes for them to actually light up. I also have bathroom dreams…. Weird I know. But that’s me…
Monday, February 18, 2008
Males
Males
They make up 50% of the population, which we shall assume is approximately (according to good old wiki!) - 6,649,117,969 …. So that means there are 3,324,558,984 male like humans in the world. You would think that I’d be able to understand one or two of them. But no matter what they tend to confuse the living hell out of me when it comes to topics that involve thinking for more than one second.
Take the indecisive-ness of a male I met over the weekend. We shall call him Male A…. Now Male A is a lovely sweet farmer type fellow with intellectual glasses. Slightly common with his beer choice but that is alright, but trying to get an opinion out of him which required him to choose either one or the other was like pulling teeth. Even things as simple as, “what would you like for lunch?” required a lot of um-ing and ah-ing… its just food. Energy. In one end and other the other so to speak (for lack of a better term) I don’t want to know how it would be if he had lifestyle choices to make.
Another male I had the pleasure of getting a :S face over on the weekend, who will be known as… Male B! (How convenient!) ... This is a man with an exterior complex that screams “I’m sexy, females come and jump me like a fence” who claims to not care about peoples feelings, and does what he wants when he wants. Likes to argue. Then goes and contradicts everything he says and thinks. Nuts. But hes a friend and you deal with the quirks of you friends
Male C: the distant non existent male. I have known a few male C’s in my life, and have had the displeasure of removing a particularly strong one from my life as of late. You know the type. Is super keen on you. Says he respects your morals, beliefs and views from religion to sex to ice-cream flavor. Then for some unknown reason (usual the giving into biological urges) they bugger off and go AWOL. Joy.
Male D: is the cute sort of attached to your life male, you meet through a friend of a friend of a friend or something like that. You see them at social gathers, your keen on them they are keen on you, and blah de blah… but neither of you makes a move. Is it because Male D isn’t really that keen on you but during drunken shanagins indicates that he is, then sobers up and comes to he senses. Or is it because of the friend of a friend of a friend who is in the way? Two Male D’s are in my life atm. Neither a big part but both are confusing the hell out of me…in the where do I stand in relation to you in my life…argh! Grrr.
Thinking about all the male either friend or foe currently surrounding my life at the moment, has also made me think about my female friends as well, which can in turn be just as confusing and incomprehensible as males.
But I shall save that for another blog
They make up 50% of the population, which we shall assume is approximately (according to good old wiki!) - 6,649,117,969 …. So that means there are 3,324,558,984 male like humans in the world. You would think that I’d be able to understand one or two of them. But no matter what they tend to confuse the living hell out of me when it comes to topics that involve thinking for more than one second.
Take the indecisive-ness of a male I met over the weekend. We shall call him Male A…. Now Male A is a lovely sweet farmer type fellow with intellectual glasses. Slightly common with his beer choice but that is alright, but trying to get an opinion out of him which required him to choose either one or the other was like pulling teeth. Even things as simple as, “what would you like for lunch?” required a lot of um-ing and ah-ing… its just food. Energy. In one end and other the other so to speak (for lack of a better term) I don’t want to know how it would be if he had lifestyle choices to make.
Another male I had the pleasure of getting a :S face over on the weekend, who will be known as… Male B! (How convenient!) ... This is a man with an exterior complex that screams “I’m sexy, females come and jump me like a fence” who claims to not care about peoples feelings, and does what he wants when he wants. Likes to argue. Then goes and contradicts everything he says and thinks. Nuts. But hes a friend and you deal with the quirks of you friends
Male C: the distant non existent male. I have known a few male C’s in my life, and have had the displeasure of removing a particularly strong one from my life as of late. You know the type. Is super keen on you. Says he respects your morals, beliefs and views from religion to sex to ice-cream flavor. Then for some unknown reason (usual the giving into biological urges) they bugger off and go AWOL. Joy.
Male D: is the cute sort of attached to your life male, you meet through a friend of a friend of a friend or something like that. You see them at social gathers, your keen on them they are keen on you, and blah de blah… but neither of you makes a move. Is it because Male D isn’t really that keen on you but during drunken shanagins indicates that he is, then sobers up and comes to he senses. Or is it because of the friend of a friend of a friend who is in the way? Two Male D’s are in my life atm. Neither a big part but both are confusing the hell out of me…in the where do I stand in relation to you in my life…argh! Grrr.
Thinking about all the male either friend or foe currently surrounding my life at the moment, has also made me think about my female friends as well, which can in turn be just as confusing and incomprehensible as males.
But I shall save that for another blog
Saturday, February 09, 2008
**Its Only a matter of Time
just watched a movie that was quite incredibly moving.2:37
It was quite like the american movie Elephant - i mean shot in the same style and such (then i found out via the lovely interweb that the director was inspired by it. It's not the typical high school movie. its very art house. i don't know if you could describe it as noir but it had the black and white shots, the characters interviews on a 'confession cam type shot' in black and white. the reversing and replaying of time in different peoples POV (like GO) and a wonderful instramental score that is constantly being played behind the action. This is defintly being added as one of the top 10 movies i've seen :)below is how it is decribed at IMDB.
A contemporary, ensemble drama telling the complex tale of six high school students whose lives are interwoven with situations that so many of today's youth are faced with. The story takes place during a normal school day. At precisely 2:37 a tragedy will occur, affecting the lives of a group of students and their teachers. As the story unfolds, the individual stories of the six teenagers are revealed, each with its own explosive significance. An unwanted pregnancy unravels a terrible, dark secret; all is not as it appears for the seemingly confident school football hero; an outcast must deal with everyday taunts from his peers; a beautiful young girl battles an eating disorder; a stellar student constantly struggles to win his parents' approval; while another uses drugs to escape from his own demons
It made me think - i mean it is shot in typical movie fashion with the borderline between un-believeable and believeable becoming blurred at times, but i couldn't help but wonder - what was going on behind the scenes, behind closed doors, behind the eyes, of people i walked past every day at school. people i walk past every day at work, Flatmates i walk past everyday at home.
Theres some secrets you just don't share. I have bared most of them with the internet annonimoty that i have here, but you need to have some of your own. some close to your chest. i don't know how healthy it is, having what i have inside, buried away. but... such is life.
X's and O's
Ness
It was quite like the american movie Elephant - i mean shot in the same style and such (then i found out via the lovely interweb that the director was inspired by it. It's not the typical high school movie. its very art house. i don't know if you could describe it as noir but it had the black and white shots, the characters interviews on a 'confession cam type shot' in black and white. the reversing and replaying of time in different peoples POV (like GO) and a wonderful instramental score that is constantly being played behind the action. This is defintly being added as one of the top 10 movies i've seen :)below is how it is decribed at IMDB.
A contemporary, ensemble drama telling the complex tale of six high school students whose lives are interwoven with situations that so many of today's youth are faced with. The story takes place during a normal school day. At precisely 2:37 a tragedy will occur, affecting the lives of a group of students and their teachers. As the story unfolds, the individual stories of the six teenagers are revealed, each with its own explosive significance. An unwanted pregnancy unravels a terrible, dark secret; all is not as it appears for the seemingly confident school football hero; an outcast must deal with everyday taunts from his peers; a beautiful young girl battles an eating disorder; a stellar student constantly struggles to win his parents' approval; while another uses drugs to escape from his own demons
It made me think - i mean it is shot in typical movie fashion with the borderline between un-believeable and believeable becoming blurred at times, but i couldn't help but wonder - what was going on behind the scenes, behind closed doors, behind the eyes, of people i walked past every day at school. people i walk past every day at work, Flatmates i walk past everyday at home.
Theres some secrets you just don't share. I have bared most of them with the internet annonimoty that i have here, but you need to have some of your own. some close to your chest. i don't know how healthy it is, having what i have inside, buried away. but... such is life.
X's and O's
Ness
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Poems
Where Passion lives
A heart shaped shell
Lays dormant
hollow as the gun you hold
weak pulse(its nothing but aching)
Reaching out
an attempt to reminisce
Memories flood through
and full your veins again
(An old addict with a new fix)
Once upon a time
There was fire in her eyes
Burning bright for a cause
he let it slip away
Can it all be yours again?
Back pressed against a cold wall
heated by your steamy embrace
Obvious to the world
She let it slip away
Can it all be yours again?
Now lives vicariously
Through others words
No heat no sparks
Just a vacant stare
Is where passion lies now
A heart shaped shell
Lays dormant
hollow as the gun you hold
weak pulse(its nothing but aching)
Reaching out
an attempt to reminisce
Memories flood through
and full your veins again
(An old addict with a new fix)
Once upon a time
There was fire in her eyes
Burning bright for a cause
he let it slip away
Can it all be yours again?
Back pressed against a cold wall
heated by your steamy embrace
Obvious to the world
She let it slip away
Can it all be yours again?
Now lives vicariously
Through others words
No heat no sparks
Just a vacant stare
Is where passion lies now
Monday, January 28, 2008
*worst pies in london*
Sweeny Todd. Watched it. Loved it.
but can you not love anything with Johnny Depp in it. I don't think so.
rumors have it hes in Kiwi land at present. *drools*
and who knew he could sing..
outfits of mrs Lovett... *drools some more*can never look at a pie the same way again though
and the pale gothic shade of ebony they made ST's face... *mmmm**
*wipes keyboard*
anyway nothing more exciting to report. enjoy some extra lyrics. on the house
There's a whole in the world like a great black pit
and the vermin of the world inhabit it
and its morals aren't worth what a pin can spit
and it goes by the name of London.
At the top of the hole sit the previlaged few
Making mock of the vermin in the lonely zoo
turning beauty to filth and greed...
I too have sailed the world and seen its wonders,
for the cruelty of men is as wonderous as Peru
but there's no place like London!--
There was a barber and his wife
and she was beautiful...a foolish barber and his wife.
She was his reason for his life...and she was beautiful, and she was virtuous.
And he was nieve.
There was another man who saw
that she was beautiful...A biased vulture of the law
who, with a gesture of his clawr
emoved the barber from his plate!
And there was nothing but to wait!
And she would fall!
So soft!
So young!
So lost and oh so beautiful!
but can you not love anything with Johnny Depp in it. I don't think so.
rumors have it hes in Kiwi land at present. *drools*
and who knew he could sing..
outfits of mrs Lovett... *drools some more*can never look at a pie the same way again though
and the pale gothic shade of ebony they made ST's face... *mmmm**
*wipes keyboard*
anyway nothing more exciting to report. enjoy some extra lyrics. on the house
There's a whole in the world like a great black pit
and the vermin of the world inhabit it
and its morals aren't worth what a pin can spit
and it goes by the name of London.
At the top of the hole sit the previlaged few
Making mock of the vermin in the lonely zoo
turning beauty to filth and greed...
I too have sailed the world and seen its wonders,
for the cruelty of men is as wonderous as Peru
but there's no place like London!--
There was a barber and his wife
and she was beautiful...a foolish barber and his wife.
She was his reason for his life...and she was beautiful, and she was virtuous.
And he was nieve.
There was another man who saw
that she was beautiful...A biased vulture of the law
who, with a gesture of his clawr
emoved the barber from his plate!
And there was nothing but to wait!
And she would fall!
So soft!
So young!
So lost and oh so beautiful!
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
**BIG DAY OUT**
I’m off to this concert on Friday. This is will be my first ever Big Day out which is held every year and attracts 10’s of 1000’s of people to its musical goodness. Past highlights of musical acts include (but are not limited too!!): TOOL, MUSE, THE WHITE STRIPES, IGGY & THE STOOGES, BEASTIE BOYS, CHEMICAL BROTHERS, SYSTEM OF A DOWN, THE STREETS, FREESTYLERS, CARL COX, SLIPKNOT, METALLICA, The Prodigy, Garbage, LIMP BIZKIT, MUDVAYNE, PJ HARVEY, PLACEBO, QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE, RAMMSTEIN, HOLE, KORN, MANIC STREET PREACHERS, MARILYN MANSON and the one that makes me wish I was born 5 years earlier NIRVANA. I think the first one was in 1992 and it has increased in following ever since. I’m partially looking forward to the ‘big name acts’ of this year = Rage against the Machine, Bjork, Arcade Fire, Shihad, LCD Soundsystem!!! There’s already been press coverage of Bjork hitting a photographer at the airport here!!! LOL.
As for life in general it is going alright. Trying to keep out of trouble.
New Year and all.
Single again and planning to stay that way until mr sweep-me-off-my-feet-uber-cute-and-romantic comes along!! LOL. Or Johnny depp. Whichever comes first!!
As for life in general it is going alright. Trying to keep out of trouble.
New Year and all.
Single again and planning to stay that way until mr sweep-me-off-my-feet-uber-cute-and-romantic comes along!! LOL. Or Johnny depp. Whichever comes first!!
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
**trust**
I’ve gone back to how I used to be
( maybe I never really changed)
masked 24/7
different masks different people,
forgotten who I’ve become
felt this sense of…
“Who am I and why am I here”
and not in a very nice way either.
lonely not matter how many people surrond
, but worse
when I’m actually on my own.
I’m afraid
of what I might do
left to my own devises
I don’t like not being able to trust myself.
( maybe I never really changed)
masked 24/7
different masks different people,
forgotten who I’ve become
felt this sense of…
“Who am I and why am I here”
and not in a very nice way either.
lonely not matter how many people surrond
, but worse
when I’m actually on my own.
I’m afraid
of what I might do
left to my own devises
I don’t like not being able to trust myself.
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